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What a Role Model Should Be: 6 Steps to Find Your Perfect Role Model
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Do you feel like you’re missing a guidepost in your life? Having a role model to look up to can be life-changing if the person you look up to is what you need. However, many of us fall into a negative cycle when it comes to what a role model should be.
When I was in third grade, two high school girls volunteered at my youth basketball practice. I immediately took to one of them – we’ll call her Ashley – because of our apparent similarities (tall, thin, and blonde). Ashley played on varsity. Varsity: a level of basketball so beyond my elementary school league that I viewed it as near professional, even though it was just a collection of mediocre athletes at a tiny school.
I only saw Ashley in a basketball setting, but I filled in the gaps of my knowledge with everything I knew to be admirable. Ashley was the perfect representation of what I wanted to be.
In my mind, she was exactly what a role model should be.
Two years later, I saw her in a job and life situation that didn’t fit in with my life plan. I felt confused and utterly disappointed. In my mind, she had failed me. In fact, I felt the impact of the disappointment so potently that I set down in a direction with impossible standards for what a role model should be.
These standards would only serve to set me up for future disappointment.
Many of us are wrong about what a role model should be
A role model is someone we look toward as a guide for what we should do and who we should be. They help us determine appropriate behaviors for our life. A role model is:
- Someone you admire
- Someone you aspire to be like
- Someone who, through actions and values, shows you what’s possible
- Someone who sets a good example for how to act, think, and behave
- Someone you want to emulate
One site even describes a perfect role model as “the ideal person.”
Okay, but what is an ideal person?
It seems to me that the definition of our word needs a definition.
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Who defines what a role model should be?
The beauty of how open this definition is is undeniable: we can choose and create a version that will inspire us individually. If I want to play basketball, I’m going to choose a basketball player to look up to. If I’m a strong, independent female, I will look to other strong, independent females.
Especially in the age of social media and internet fandom, our choices for role models are endless. We are not limited to local heroes.
We can all search for our perception of what a role model should be.
This openness, however, is also dangerous.
At the young age of nine, I defined what a role model should be based on what my parents (and society) had taught me: a successful, hard-working, high-achieving female who not only fit in with my privileged vision, but also fit in with gendered expectations for women as well.
Who was I, with my most culturally-different experience being a two-day trip to upscale Manhattan, my most significant adversity resting on a 21-3 basketball loss, and my weekly time spent watching Hamtaro averaging over three hours, to define what a role model should be?
In other words, we are defining the ideal person at an age when we still believe perfection is possible.
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6 Steps you need to follow to find what a role model should be in your life
If you want to have and maintain healthy role models in your life, read these four things you need to keep in mind.
1. You need to acknowledge how society makes us think that perfection exists
As an adult, I know that perfection doesn’t exist (I also know that happiness and success are based on a complicated set of personal values combined with societal metrics combined with individual experience combined with a smattering of self-help, philosophical, neuroscientifical hogwash. (Sidenote: I enjoyed saying “neuroscientifical hogwash” a bit too much, and when it does catch on, remember that you heard it here first)).
Most adults would probably agree that all humans are flawed.
So why do we keep pretending that perfection exists in role models?
I want to blame social media for the impossible standards of what a role model should be. While it is a huge contributing factor, I don’t think it’s the sole cause.
It’s our instinct as humans to put on the best show we can for everyone around us.
We hide the bad stuff behind a wall of smiling photos, polite niceties, and “remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice happy family.”
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We are afraid to be vulnerable, so we hold onto guideposts like judgments, perfectionism, status, and worrying about “what other people think.”
We acknowledge that nobody is perfect, but we try our damndest to appear perfect to everyone else.
And then we compare.
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2. You need to understand that we naturally compare ourselves to “what a role model should be”
Science has proven that humans continuously compare themselves to others (although we didn’t need science to prove this; think about how often you compare yourself to others every day). Marcia thinks Zoey is beautiful and wishes she was as pretty as her. Greg sees Joe driving a new sports car and feels terrible about his ‘07 Subaru Forester. Cindy spends oodles of dollars on self-help books to become as happy as her supposedly-happy friends.
Comparison is not always a bad thing. But given its inevitability, it’s imperative that we consider how comparison can be used to gain energy in the form of inspiration and collaboration, rather than take it away.
We need to be more aware of who we are comparing ourselves to.
In her new podcast Happiness Lab, Dr. Laurie Santos talks all about how reference points determine our happiness. If we compare ourselves to people with less, we feel good about what we have. If we compare ourselves to people with more, we are disappointed and unhappy. This is why so many Olympic silver medalists display agony after given their medals; their eyes are only looking to the gold.
Self-awareness is critical in determining what we want and our perspective on what a role model should be.
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3. You need to realize that comparing yourself to impossible standards for “what a role model should be” will set you up for failure
Too often, we look to our role models as if they are gold. We build them up in our minds as ideal people – the epitome of perfection – and then try to be like them.
In these comparisons to an unrealistic standard for what a role model should be, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
Our culture often tricks us about what is meaningful. We buy into myths about life purpose. Starting with our education system, we value the end product, not the process. Rewards, accomplishments, and instant gratification all play a role in building this culture where the end results are valued more than trying. This creates unnecessary fear in pursuing what we want, and unnecessary devastation when we don’t achieve it.
Because, no matter how hard you try to be that impossibly perfect definition of what a role model should be, you will always fail.
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4. You need to avoid negative role models and focusing on the flaws
When I went to a leadership conference in high school, a woman asked us to brainstorm famous people that we considered good leaders and perfect role models. Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, and Helen Keller all ended up on the list.
She then spent fifteen minutes systematically cutting every one of them down. Gandhi was a racist. Martin Luther King Jr. was a cheater. Helen Keller was a radical. I think she might have been trying to make the point that nobody is perfect, but it felt more like a public disparage than an awakening.
Focusing on the flaws of these role models did not benefit us any more than focusing on how a perfect view of what a role model should be.
Instead, we need to find people that can both inspire us and share their imperfections.
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5. You need to find role models who show their imperfections
People like to turn their role models into ideal people because we want to believe being perfect and being happy exist, and need to live together. The greatest truth nobody talks about is: being perfect and being happy are actually at odds with each other.
What a role model should be is someone who shares their imperfections and vulnerabilities.
If I compare myself to someone who has achieved the “perfect dream” of success, happiness, and love, I will forever compare myself and wonder, “Why can’t I have it all like her?” My self-worth will be destroyed and I’ll only focus on what I’m lacking.
If I compare myself to someone who is honest about their mistakes and ultimate failures, I can start to feel better about my own. No longer do I need to look toward the gold. I can be okay with silver, or getting any medal, or showing up to compete in the first place.
To do this, I need to be able to understand myself.
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6. You need to choose what a role model should be based on your own self-discovery
It’s not just the responsibility of the role model to be more open. As individuals, we need to be careful with who we define as what a role model should be. If we choose a role model who seems to be perfect in the public eye, we need to step back and ask ourselves, “Am I admiring the whole person or just their successes?”
Ask yourself self-discovery questions to find out what is important to you.
It is not a bad thing to look up to a successful person, but it is a bad thing if we’re only looking at the achievements and not the values. Achievements will give us a disappointing metric to compare ourselves too. Values, on the other hand, can be excellent standards to examine ourselves.
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My Failed Notion of a What a Role Model Should Be
After setting impossibly high standards for my role model Ashley, it was only a matter of time before she would disappoint me. Rather than accept her differences and her flaws, I discarded the desire for a role model and decided, instead, to become the perfect role model myself. I would never disappoint anyone who looked up to me.
I did everything I could to be the perfect person: I got good grades, I volunteered, I was a successful athlete. I even helped coach at youth basketball practices to make sure that those girls wouldn’t be disappointed by someone else’s failures as I had been. They would always see me smiling.
I understand now how my view of a what a role model should be only set up these younger girls for disappointment of a different kind.
I hid any of the failures and imperfections I did have, and because of this, I gave them an impossible standard by which to compare themselves to – and ultimately, to fail at achieving.
I would have served them better by striving for success, but being open and vulnerable about my struggles and mistakes in getting there.
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Conclusion
The sooner we shed our unrealistic notions of other people’s perfection, and the sooner we discard impossible standards for ourselves, the sooner we will reach a greater level of happiness.
This isn’t a simple task and it won’t happen all at once. It requires a great deal of courage, as well as a mindset shift. But every day, we are influencing the people around us.
If you keep these 6 lessons in mind, you can find what a role model should be in your life
- You need to acknowledge how society makes us think that perfection exists
- You need to understand that we naturally compare ourselves to “what a role model should be”
- You need to realize that comparing yourself to impossible standards for “what a role model should be” will set you up for failure
- You need to avoid negative role models and focusing on the flaws
- You need to find role models who show their imperfections
- You need to choose what a role model should be based on your own self-discovery
Not only will this way of thinking set yourself free, but it will set others free as well.
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[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container][fusion_global id=”3654″][fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”no” hundred_percent_height=”no” hundred_percent_height_scroll=”no” hundred_percent_height_center_content=”yes” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”large-visibility” status=”published” publish_date=”” class=”” id=”” background_color=”#000000″ background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” enable_mobile=”no” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”150″ padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”150″ admin_label=”Large Screen follow-up” type=”legacy” border_sizes_top=”0px” border_sizes_bottom=”0px” border_sizes_left=”0px” border_sizes_right=”0px”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_image_id=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” hover_type=”none” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” border_radius=”” box_shadow=”no” dimension_box_shadow=”” box_shadow_blur=”0″ box_shadow_spread=”0″ box_shadow_color=”” box_shadow_style=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”true” first=”true” border_sizes_top=”0″ border_sizes_bottom=”0″ border_sizes_left=”0″ border_sizes_right=”0″ type=”1_1″][fusion_title hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” content_align=”center” size=”1″ font_size=”” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”3px” margin_top=”5px” margin_bottom=”-40px” margin_top_mobile=”” margin_bottom_mobile=”” text_color=”#ffffff” style_type=”double solid” sep_color=”#0220ff” margin_top_small=”” margin_bottom_small=””]
FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS
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Comment below with answers, ideas, and more questions, or contact me to collaborate on a future post!
[/fusion_text][fusion_builder_row_inner][fusion_builder_column_inner type=”1_2″ layout=”1_2″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” hover_type=”none” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” border_radius=”” box_shadow=”no” dimension_box_shadow=”” box_shadow_blur=”0″ box_shadow_spread=”0″ box_shadow_color=”” box_shadow_style=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” dimension_margin=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”false” first=”true” border_sizes_top=”0″ border_sizes_bottom=”0″ border_sizes_left=”0″ border_sizes_right=”0″ type=”1_2″ spacing_right=””][fusion_title hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” content_align=”center” size=”4″ font_size=”30px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”1px” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”-10px” margin_top_mobile=”” margin_bottom_mobile=”-10px” text_color=”#ffffff” style_type=”single dashed” sep_color=”#022cff” margin_top_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”-10px”]
EXPLORING YOURSELF
[/fusion_title][fusion_checklist icon=”fa-question-circle fas” iconcolor=”#0216f2″ circle=”no” circlecolor=”#e0e0e0″ size=”22px” divider=”yes” divider_color=”#ffffff” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility”][fusion_li_item icon=””]
What role models have you had in your life?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
Have you ever idealized someone in a way that created impossible standards?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
When do you allow your imperfections to be seen by others?
[/fusion_li_item][/fusion_checklist][/fusion_builder_column_inner][fusion_builder_column_inner type=”1_2″ layout=”1_2″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” hover_type=”none” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” border_radius=”” box_shadow=”no” dimension_box_shadow=”” box_shadow_blur=”0″ box_shadow_spread=”0″ box_shadow_color=”” box_shadow_style=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” dimension_margin=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”true” first=”false” border_sizes_top=”0″ border_sizes_bottom=”0″ border_sizes_left=”0″ border_sizes_right=”0″ type=”1_2″][fusion_title hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” content_align=”center” size=”4″ font_size=”30px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”1px” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”-10px” margin_top_mobile=”” margin_bottom_mobile=”-10px” text_color=”#ffffff” style_type=”single dashed” sep_color=”#0220ff” margin_top_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”-10px”]
EXPANDING YOUR WORLD
[/fusion_title][fusion_checklist icon=”fa-question-circle fas” iconcolor=”#0216f2″ circle=”no” circlecolor=”#ffffff” size=”22px” divider=”yes” divider_color=”#ffffff” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility”][fusion_li_item icon=””]
Why do humans compare themselves to each other?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
What does a role model program need to do in order to be effective?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
How can people work to develop a process-oriented mindset?
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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS
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Comment below with answers, ideas, and more questions, or contact me to collaborate on a future post!
[/fusion_text][fusion_builder_row_inner][fusion_builder_column_inner type=”1_2″ layout=”1_2″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” hover_type=”none” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” border_radius=”” box_shadow=”no” dimension_box_shadow=”” box_shadow_blur=”0″ box_shadow_spread=”0″ box_shadow_color=”” box_shadow_style=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” dimension_margin=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”false” first=”true” border_sizes_top=”0″ border_sizes_bottom=”0″ border_sizes_left=”0″ border_sizes_right=”0″ type=”1_2″ spacing_right=””][fusion_title hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” content_align=”center” size=”4″ font_size=”24px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”1px” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”-10px” margin_top_mobile=”” margin_bottom_mobile=”-10px” text_color=”#ffffff” style_type=”single dashed” sep_color=”#022cff” margin_top_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”-10px”]
EXPLORING YOURSELF
[/fusion_title][fusion_checklist icon=”fa-question-circle fas” iconcolor=”#0216f2″ circle=”no” circlecolor=”#e0e0e0″ size=”22px” divider=”yes” divider_color=”#ffffff” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility”][fusion_li_item icon=””]
What role models have you had in your life?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
Have you ever idealized someone in a way that created impossible standards?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
When do you allow your imperfections to be seen by others?
[/fusion_li_item][/fusion_checklist][/fusion_builder_column_inner][fusion_builder_column_inner type=”1_2″ layout=”1_2″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” hover_type=”none” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” border_radius=”” box_shadow=”no” dimension_box_shadow=”” box_shadow_blur=”0″ box_shadow_spread=”0″ box_shadow_color=”” box_shadow_style=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” dimension_margin=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”true” first=”false” border_sizes_top=”0″ border_sizes_bottom=”0″ border_sizes_left=”0″ border_sizes_right=”0″ type=”1_2″][fusion_title hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” content_align=”center” size=”4″ font_size=”24px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”1px” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”-10px” margin_top_mobile=”” margin_bottom_mobile=”-10px” text_color=”#ffffff” style_type=”single dashed” sep_color=”#0220ff” margin_top_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”-10px”]
EXPANDING YOUR WORLD
[/fusion_title][fusion_checklist icon=”fa-question-circle fas” iconcolor=”#0216f2″ circle=”no” circlecolor=”#ffffff” size=”22px” divider=”yes” divider_color=”#ffffff” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility”][fusion_li_item icon=””]
Why do humans compare themselves to each other?
[/fusion_li_item][fusion_li_item icon=””]
What does a role model program need to do in order to be effective?
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How can people work to develop a process-oriented mindset?
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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS
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Comment below with answers, ideas, and more questions, or contact me to collaborate on a future post!
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EXPLORING YOURSELF
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What role models have you had in your life?
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Have you ever idealized someone in a way that created impossible standards?
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When do you allow your imperfections to be seen by others?
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EXPANDING YOUR WORLD
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Why do humans compare themselves to each other?
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What does a role model program need to do in order to be effective?
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How can people work to develop a process-oriented mindset?
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