How to Find Your Purpose, Be Vulnerable, and Push Through Your Edge- an Interview with Tanya Geisler on Self-Discovery

how to find your purpose

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Self-Discovery: How to Find Your Purpose, Be Vulnerable, and Push Through Your Edge- an Interview with Tanya Geisler

Published June 16, 2020

Embark on your self-discovery journey: how to find your purpose, be vulnerable, and push through your edge. An interview with Tanya Geisler.

I nervously fiddled with my hands behind the podium as my coworkers filed in and found a seat. As they amicably chatted, I found myself staring at my computer screen (as if I hadn’t already done so for hours beforehand).

I was about to present to my teaching colleagues for the first time. I was in my third year at the school and currently undertaking an online Master’s. My mentor had suggested to me both the book and the opportunity to present it.

Now, however, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. Fifty sets of eyes stared back at me, many belonging to people who far exceeded my years of teaching experience. Meanwhile, all I had done was read one interesting book on education.

Questions circled through my mind: Who am I to be up here, presenting to more experienced teachers? What could I offer? I felt like an imposter. Certainly, one book and a couple of online courses didn’t warrant this stage.

I pushed through these anxieties and gave the presentation. Afterward, many of my coworkers followed up with me about how useful they found the information. Turns out, I did have something to offer.

But I almost missed out on a crucial opportunity for fear that I wasn’t good enough.

I know this feeling of “I don’t have enough to offer” is not exclusive to me. Quite the contrary, many of us feel it regularly in our lives. It’s called the Imposter Syndrome, and it’s so common, buckets of research have been done on it (like, really big buckets).

This sensation of feeling like an imposter so often holds back our self-discovery for how to find purpose in life. Fortunately, the more we learn about it, the more we can be vulnerable in our pursuits and expand our lives. Even more fortunately, I had the opportunity to talk with an expert on the Imposter Syndrome and self-discovery.

If you keep reading, you can spark your self-discovery as you learn how to find purpose in life, be vulnerable, and (one of my new favorite terms) live your edge.

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Interview with Tanya Geisler, Life Coach and Imposter Syndrome Expert, on How to Find Your Purpose

TanyaGeisler

It doesn’t take longer than twenty seconds on Tanya Geisler’s website to see her voice shine through the text. She’s got passion – and not the “I’m going to trick you with flashy words to show you that I care” kind. The kind that immediately displays that she loves what she does.

Her bio also states how much she loves interviews. When I first read that, I considered asking her for an interview. But then I hesitated, feeling the same sort of imposter trepidations. Why would she want to interview with a lowly blogger like me?

I reminded myself of the importance of vulnerability, and I reached out. Two weeks later, I found myself sitting in a zoom call with Tanya. If her passion came through on her website, it came out even more in conversation. After I apologized about technological difficulties, she said in a natural tone, “It’s fine. We’re already connecting – that’s what this is about.”

Later on, she complimented my questions. I became enthralled with her answers.

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What is Vulnerability?

Tanya Geisler defines vulnerability as our “tender truth.” And it’s in our “tender truth-telling” that we have to be most vulnerable, with both ourselves and the world. Discovering and sharing this truth is not easy. For many reasons, we hide our true selves from others.

You see, humans naturally compare ourselves to others. Then, it becomes very easy to use these comparisons to hide our authentic selves. We fall into the imposter mindset, whether we’re breaking cultural norms, gender stereotypes, or false narratives.

We think our tender truth is not good enough to share.

We also refrain from sharing before we feel ready. Tanya explained that many of us shy away from being vulnerable and presenting an “unpolished” look that’s not “ready for public consumption.” We want to share the best version of ourselves once we achieve it, and not a minute before then.

This desire to hide until we’ve perfected ourselves not only limits our growth, but it can have damaging consequences for how to find your purpose.

self-discovery

I have a student – we’ll call her Shirley – who has perfectionist tendencies (and avoidance) to the max. Every time an essay rolls around, she completely stalls out. She’ll miss the first deadline, and then the extended deadline, and then the extended-extended deadline. It will take her hours to write a single paragraph as she goes over every word and detail with the scrutiny of a military inspector.

In her mind, she cannot hand something in that’s not absolutely perfect. After weeks go by, I have to force her to hand in an unfinished essay so she can move on. “Something is better than nothing,” I say. But each time she gives me an unfinished essay, she misses the opportunity to improve over multiple drafts and revisions.

The same thing happens to us when we refuse to share our discovering stages. If we wait for a “perfect version,” we’ll never have the chance to experience our own draft and revision process.

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Why You Need Vulnerability for Your Self-Discovery: How to Find Your Purpose

Sharing our imperfect versions with the world requires vulnerability. However, being vulnerable doesn’t merely start at the sharing stage. It begins much before that, at the very beginning of our journey of self-discovery to find your purpose.

Before we can share our tender truth, we need to discover what it is. Sometimes, we need to discover what it is over and over again.

The act of looking deep into ourselves is not always easy or comfortable. We must be vulnerable to ask ourselves the hard questions and sit with the answers. Often, we judge the truth we discover. (Read more about the link between self-awareness and vulnerability.)

Let’s use a relatable example to explore this phenomenon. When I was in high school, I went through the typical teenage questioning. What’s my style? What do I stand for? Where do I fit in?

In true teenage fashion, I looked to my peers and the media for inspiration. I wanted to be like TV actresses and “popular girls.” (In other words, I tried to be Mischa Barton on The O.C.) As a result, when I failed at my makeup or couldn’t choose a good outfit, I felt shamefully inadequate.

However, the most challenging part came when I didn’t like the makeup or proper outfit, even if I got it right. It didn’t feel comfortable to me. Eventually, I had to accept that my true self didn’t fit in with the model female I saw around me.

It’s not easy to discover that your true self goes against cultural norms.

As humans, we desperately want to fit in with the people around us; it’s literally wired in our evolutionary DNA to try to belong. But it’s not until we discover who we are – and our tender truth – that we can see how to find purpose and true belonging in our lives.

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It’s Vulnerable to Celebrate Ourselves and Feel Joy

Another aspect of our self-discovery journey that many of us lack is a celebration. According to Tanya, celebration is the most neglected stage in our pursuit of how to find your purpose. This element for self-discovery and how to find purpose requires us to look at all that we’ve done, take pause, and appreciate our efforts.

Unfortunately, Imposter Syndrome puts a halt to most celebratory moments. We allow critics, whether they’re external or internal, to keep us out of action. Then, we doubt our capacity and struggle to feel that we’re “enough.” How can we pull out the metaphorical balloons and streamers if we don’t think we’re worthy of them?

A large part of Tanya’s work is getting people to be vulnerable and lean into a joyful celebration.

how to find your purpose

“We often think about the dark emotions and shadows as hard to be with, but the light is also really hard to be,” Tanya said. “I see this in my work all the time. One of the things that people struggle with the most is a celebration. It brings out our deepest vulnerabilities because it requires us to look at all that we’ve done and go a little bit deeper.”

The Imposter Syndrome is the main antagonist keeping us from celebration. It makes us doubt our capacity, thus taking away our feeling of confidence and worthiness. The leading cause of this is because we haven’t integrated celebration into our daily life. Tanya calls it, “marking a cycle of completion.” Until we do this, we can’t bolster our own authority and celebrate all we’ve done.

A million reasons prevent us from wanting to celebrate. Perhaps we’re buying into the scarcity mindset or “not good enough” feeling. Maybe our work goes against what our peers, family, or community values. Or, even more subtle, we haven’t seen a representation of what we’re doing elsewhere and thus diminish it’s worth.

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How to Find Your Purpose: Defining Success to Celebrate

I became friends with one of the most intelligent, hardest-working people in my college class. Not only did she enter school with the highest paying scholarship, but she graduated with a near-perfect GPA. (Oh, and did I mention that she was a biology and English double-major with a chemistry minor?) She also led countless clubs and initiatives on campus.

It was so apparent to me that she should feel proud of all that she accomplished. For her, though, it was never enough. Every step – homework, internships, her senior thesis – were steps to get to the next thing. She couldn’t celebrate yet, because she hadn’t achieved her definition of success.

As a result, she never gave herself a feeling of completion, and thus never allowed herself the time or space to feel good.

While my friend is clearly in a league of her own, we all fall into similar patterns. Whether it’s as big as completing a degree, or as small as redecorating a room, we need to be vulnerable to create opportunities for celebration. It’s in this vulnerability where we will feel closer to joy and purpose. We also need to create better metrics for success. (Learn more about how to create your own metrics for a meaningful life.)

If you’ve ever desperately asked, “What do I want to do with my life?” you’re not alone. People find themselves saying, “I don’t know what to do with my life” and “What is my purpose in life?” all too often. That’s because we’re looking at things the wrong way.

what do I want to do with my life

We need to start looking inward, rather than outward, to answer the question, “What is my purpose?”

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How to Find Your Purpose: Embracing that You are Good Enough

Saying, “I am a good enough _______” is incredibly vulnerable. Imagine filling that blank in with some aspect of your identity. (Mother, sister, teacher, writer, student, partner, friend). Now imagine sharing that statement with someone else.

If you’re like me, you probably feel a wave of anxiety and criticism overtake you. How dare you say you’re good enough when you aren’t!

Being vulnerable is not just sitting with dark emotions. It’s also allowing yourself to open to the light.

After all, it’s only after you let the light shine through that you can discover your purpose.

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Self-Discovery to Find Your Purpose Starts with Joy

Tanya lays out three stages for the cycle of self-discovery to find out what you want to do with your life.

how to find your purpose

1. Discovery: learn what you stand for and what gives you joy

The first stage in finding your purpose is to discover your core values. (You can read more about why finding your core values will benefit you and how to discover them on my blog). Contrary to common misconception, Tanya discourages starting with the idea of purpose in mind. Instead, she suggests that we should start with figuring out our brand of joy.

“Before thinking about your purpose, you need to understand what those values are that make you come alive,” Tanya says. She then offers a simple way to start this process.

Take a moment to settle in and relax. Think back to a time in your life when you absolutely felt like the fullest, most essential version of yourself. It should be a moment when time stood still and everything just felt right.

Then, take your answer and consider what important themes exist at that moment. What is it that made you so joyful? What component do you want to feel in all that you do? These questions will help get you started on your road to self-discovery.

Learn if you’re holding yourself back by buying into these myths about life purpose.

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2. Deepening: discover where your life aligns with your values and where it’s missing

Once you discover what values make you come alive, you need to deepen their impact on your life. At this stage, you need to consider where your life aligns with your core values. You also must find where in your life your core values are missing.

Doing this requires you to be self-aware and tapped into your emotional intelligence. Remember, you might find yourself fighting against what your personal history and culture have led you to believe. You must be vulnerable to push forward despite any personal or societal judgment.

How to find your purpose will be underpinned by your values, Tanya explains. “Your brand of joy should inform at every single step what will work for you.”

Take our free self-awareness test to see how self-aware you are and how you can be more self-aware.

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3. Expansion: embrace how to live your purpose and values

Finally, you should expand your life in a way that allows you to live your purpose and values. In the third stage of finding your purpose, you want to put your most authentic self at the forefront.

According to Tanya, “This is where we’re becoming more fully ourselves.”

Expansion does not happen overnight; it comes from the moment after moment in which we choose to lean into what we stand for. The more we live deeply by our values and brand of joy, the more we can expand into the purposeful, meaningful lives that we want.

Read what daily habits you can undertake to create a more meaningful life.

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Discovering Ourselves is an Ongoing, Vulnerable Process

Self-discovery does not end after you complete these three stages. Instead, we must repeat this self-discovery cycle indefinitely throughout our lives.

For those of us who like certainty and control (*guilty*), this perpetual openness may feel daunting. However, we need to accept that we have no idea where we’ll end up. How to find purpose in life is not a fixed path, but instead a fluid one.

Once we accept this fact, we can move past the inaccurate notion that we can discover your purpose one-time and be happy moving forward. In fact, one of the most damaging myths our society perpetuates is that we all have a single passion waiting for us in the world. We also hurt ourselves by trying to answer “What is my purpose in life?” with a job.

“Your vocation should come after you figure out what you stand for,” Tanya says. “Self-discovery is an ongoing process. Purpose comes from figuring out what you stand for and learning how to live those values.”

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Why You Need to Be Vulnerable to Find Your Purpose

As I’ve said before, self-discovery is a vulnerable process. But where in particular do you need to be vulnerable to discover your purpose?

find your purpose

1. You have to be willing to ask the hard questions and dig deep.

Real growth doesn’t come from certainty, despite how much we try to control our lives and avoid discomfort. Instead, the self-discovery process depends on our ability to be vulnerable and get uncomfortable. We need to be willing to ask the hard questions and dig deep, even if it doesn’t always make us feel good.

2. You have to suspend judgment for what you find within yourself.

Being true with others is one thing, but being truthful with yourself is another beast entirely. We want our values to fit in with the flashy, consistent messages that we see around us, so we’re quick to judge ourselves and our desires. We need to be vulnerable enough to accept and celebrate the truth we find, rather than dismiss it or judge it.

3. You need to have the courage to break the status quo.

Once you discover your guiding values, you must have the courage to stand by them no matter what. This might mean that you will break the status quo, whether that status quo exists in your family, your school, your workplace, etc. Remember, we all need to experience true belonging to find meaning in life. True belonging only comes when we allow our truest selves to be seen and accepted by others.

4. You have to allow yourself to care about something.

The less you care about something, the less likely you’ll get hurt or disappointed. Many of us hide behind stalled desires to protect ourselves. When we erase care and vulnerability from our lives, however, we also diminish our chance for purpose. Ultimately, the purpose and joy you can create from taking risks will be worth the bumps along the way.

5. You have to face the light and celebrate your efforts.

Joy is one of our most vulnerable emotions because it feels so fragile and scary to lose. However, you have to be willing to face the light if you want to bring more light into your life. It requires vulnerability to celebrate your accomplishments and accept that you are enough. Therefore, it’s only when you allow yourself to feel good that you can bring more good into your life.

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Find Your Edge: What is Vulnerable for Some Is Not the Same For Others

Tanya also gave a new term that will help all of us when considering our self-discovery journey. She used the word “edge” to describe the opportunities we’re given to fully expand into our true selves. This “edge of expansion” is ever-changing and different for everyone. However, each edge allows us to step into our most authentic, fullest selves.

Human connection is one of my core values, yet I still struggle with a deep fear of vulnerability. (To learn more about your fear of vulnerability and how to overcome it, read more here). Early in my romantic relationship, I continuously avoided edges that would force me to expand myself. It was easier to hide my true feelings or avoid my partner than to be vulnerable and take an emotional risk.

Had I maintained this attitude, I wouldn’t have expanded my life to include a loving, supportive relationship. However, because I chose to lean in and be vulnerable, time and time again, I pushed the edges of my connection (and love) outward.

Every edge requires us to be vulnerable, because every edge represents something important to us. It’s not vulnerable to do things that we don’t care about.

self-discovery

It’s also important to note that everyone’s edges are different. What is easy for you might be incredibly difficult for me, and vice versa. Part of our self-discovery journey is identifying when we feel most vulnerable and why that is. More often than not, it’s because we’re faced with a choice to expand into the truest versions of ourselves.

In the end, it’s worth summoning the courage to be vulnerable. Only when we learn how to be vulnerable can we fully discover who we’re meant to be, what gives us joy, and how we can find our purpose. (Click here to learn more about how to be vulnerable in your everyday life or check out the great resources below.)

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Top Books on Vulnerability: Brené Brown Quotes and Books

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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

A quick yet powerful read that will introduce you to wholehearted-living and what’s holding you back from embracing your true self. Named by Forbes as one of the “Five Books that Will Actually Change Your Outlook on Life,” this book will redefine what it means for you to feel worthy. It includes ten guideposts to help you create a life of authenticity and vulnerability.

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Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

A book that will change your thinking about how you live, love, and interact with others in our society. Brown dives into the cultural expectations that we face, as well as the emotions that hold us back from finding true joy. In the book, she writes, “When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.”

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Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown

A book that will transform the way you think about belonging, vulnerability, and courage. Brown writes, “True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. In a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet…But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity.”

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Conclusion

Vulnerability is our willingness to discover and share our truth with the world. It’s only after we identify our core values that we can begin to find what we want to do with our lives.

Self-discovery is an ongoing process that requires a great deal of vulnerability and courage. We must be willing to suspend judgment as we reflect on what we care about. We also must be willing to celebrate ourselves and feel joy, even if such light emotions feel vulnerable.

How to find your purpose starts with this self-discovery process. The three stages of self-discovery to find your purpose include:

  1. Discovery: learn what you stand for and what gives you joy
  2. Deepening: discover where your life aligns with your values and where it’s missing
  3. Expansion: embrace how to live your purpose and values

At each step, you must be willing to be vulnerable with yourself and others. Your self-discovery requires vulnerability because:

  1. You have to be willing to ask the hard questions and dig deep
  2. You have to suspend judgment for what you find
  3. You need to have the courage to break the status quo
  4. You have to allow yourself to care about something
  5. You have to face the light and celebrate your efforts

In the end, we must all find our edge of expansion. It’s a situation in which we are able to lean into being our fullest selves. As you do this, you can find your purpose and live a meaningful life.

To learn more from Tanya Geisler, you can check out her website at tanyageisler.com. She offers one-on-one coaching, group workshops, and speaking engagements. You can also learn more from her blog or her podcast Ready Enough.

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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS

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Comment below with answers, ideas, and more questions, or contact me to collaborate on a future post!

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EXPLORING YOURSELF

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What do you want to do with your life?

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When do you feel like an imposter in your life?

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How can you be more vulnerable in your self-discovery process?

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EXPANDING YOUR WORLD

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What is preventing us from finding our purpose?

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Why do we need to be vulnerable to live meaningful lives?

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How can we overcome the Imposter Syndrome?

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