Fear of Vulnerability: How to Fight Your Fear for a Meaningful Life

fear of vulnerability

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Everything you need to know about your fear of vulnerability and how it’s holding you back from finding meaning.

A few years ago, an engineer ran a simple experiment. He gave groups of people four materials: spaghetti, string, tape, and a marshmallow. Then, he tasked the group with creating the tallest tower possible in a certain amount of time. The only rule? The marshmallow had to end up on top.

The other fun part? He gave the task to lawyers, engineers, CEOS, and… kindergarten students.

Who do you think won?

On average, the kindergarten groups won by an average of over four inches. But how?

The experimenter didn’t care about structural integrity or strategic design. He cared about group dynamics. And as he watched all of these groups, he noticed a significant difference between the adults and the children. The adults quickly fell into “strategy mode,” taking on roles and formally suggesting ideas.

Meanwhile, the kindergarteners just went at it. They told each other, “No, do this!” and “Look at this,” without hesitation.

They hadn’t yet developed the cultural expectations pushed down on us. The ones that say, You need to act a certain way to belong.

The kindergarteners didn’t question their belonging. They just acted.

The need for belonging, and the fear of rejection, were so strong in adults that it prevented some of the most intelligent, educated minds from achieving success.

That’s how important social relationships are to us. And that’s why our fear of vulnerability is so deeply rooted. Fortunately, this post will offer you a complete guide in understanding how your fear of vulnerability affects you. It will also give you the questions and strategies you need to overcome your fears and live a more meaningful life.

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Table of Contents:

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Fear of Vulnerability Stems from Our Innate Need for Belonging

Humans are not merely social by choice. Instead, we’ve been social creatures since our oldest ancestors. For millions of years, our survival depended on belonging to a group. Being ostracized equated to almost immediate death. (Which is a bit more dangerous than when you get left out of a group text).

Survival may be easier for us now, but the need for belonging never left our DNA. As a result, we still care deeply about our social status. Our happiness and physical health literally depend on having meaningful relationships.

It’s not hard to see why one of our deepest fears is tied up in these social interactions.

Read more about our need for belonging and how it affects us: 5 Reasons Belonging Needs to Be Your Priority

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What is vulnerability, and why are we afraid to be vulnerable?

Vulnerability is when we choose to show our authentic self – whether through words, actions, or thoughts – when we’re not sure we’ll be accepted. It’s our willingness to take emotional risks even when we don’t know the outcome.

For much of history, being vulnerable was wrongly viewed as being weak. Heck, the term vulnerable means “susceptible to harm” for many professions. However, when we’re talking about the human condition, being vulnerable actually requires enormous strength.

It also is necessary to achieve the close, meaningful relationships that we’re looking for.

While we hope our true selves will be accepted, we’re risking rejection every time we show up.

During my first year at college, my roommate opened up to me about her relationship. She loved her boyfriend, but the distance between them was making it complicated. The most I knew about her relationship before that was her boyfriend’s name and where he was from.

At that moment, she put her trust in me to be empathetic and understanding. I could have laughed at her story or belittled her feelings. (Don’t worry, I didn’t… I’m not an ass). Instead, I listened to her and accepted her struggles.

Nine years later, I still consider her one of my closest friends.

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Misconceptions about vulnerability

As we’ve learned to appreciate vulnerability more as a society, we’re still not always right in our follow-through. (That’d be too easy, right?) Some misconceptions about vulnerability include:

  1. We think acts of vulnerability are the same for everyone
  2. We assume how to be vulnerable doesn’t change for us
  3. We think vulnerable acts are always sharing.
  4. We assume words are the only method for how to be vulnerable.
  5. We believe vulnerability is for the sake of being vulnerable.

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Our Fear of Vulnerability – What It Is and Where It Comes From

Let’s go back to the story about my roommate. When she opened up to me about her boyfriend in college, it probably wasn’t easy for her. She might have been afraid that I would judge her for her actions, or maybe I wouldn’t want to be friends with her anymore now that I knew more about who she really was. Perhaps she feared that I would talk badly about her personal life to our other new friends.

In all of these possibilities, one underlying fear emerged: that she would be rejected for showing her authentic self.

This rejection leaves us with another powerful emotion: shame. Shame is the feeling that we are not good enough. We’ve all felt shame at some point in our lives, and t’s a powerful motivator in our behavior.

Powerful enough that we avoid it – sometimes at all costs.

This fear of vulnerability is not unique to my roommate. Nor do some people “not feel it.” Instead, our fear of vulnerability is deeply rooted in all of us.

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4 Reasons Our Fear of Vulnerability is So Deeply Rooted

how to be vulnerable

1. We have an innate need for belonging

As I explained earlier, the need for belonging is wired in our evolutionary roots. We depend on our social relationships to survive. (No, literally. People without strong relationships have the same negative health consequences as someone who smokes two packs of cigarettes a day).

Many of us choose “fitting in” to avoid rejection. Think back to your middle school days. Did you ever dress or act a certain way to try to fit in, even if it didn’t feel like the real you? (I’ve got a photo of a mis-buttoned blouse that confirms my poor attempts to fit in).

These urges don’t go away in adulthood; they just look different. Remember, the lawyers, engineers, and CEOs all felt the need to fit in socially so much that a bunch of 6-year-olds beat them in a building contest.

2. Gender roles kick in at a young age

By age three, children already have an understanding of their own gender identity. They’ve also developed preferences based on gender norms, as well as behaviors around gender stereotypes. That’s because children imitate what they see around them, whether from their caregivers or on the media.

Our society has developed clear expectations for males and females. Men are supposed to be strong, in control, and unemotional. Women are supposed to be nice, sweet, and small (among other things). These gendered expectations are so deeply ingrained in society that we feel shame when we go against them. Being vulnerable might mean going against these arbitrary, yet powerful, gender roles.

3. Cultural expectations dominate our society

On top of gender expectations, other cultural messages dominate society and our perception of “how to act.” I bet if I asked you right now, “What’s most important in your society?” you could create two lists. One list of things you know to be true (family, love, belonging) and one list of things you’ve been told are true your entire life (money, success, status).

Society tricks us about what is meaningful (Read more: 7 Ways Society Tricks Us About What is Meaningful). Even if we’re the most self-aware humans (which we aren’t), we often can’t help but get swept up in cultural expectations. After all, breaking the status quo triggers our fear of vulnerability.

4. Our past experiences and upbringing have a significant influence on us

Our fear of vulnerability doesn’t solely come from societal norms. Another influential factor is our own past experiences and upbringing. If we grew up feeling rejected, it would be challenging to overcome these early experiences and open ourselves up to being vulnerable.

We’re also wired to remember negative experiences more potently than positive ones. If we’ve been vulnerable in the past and it’s burned us, we’re less likely to repeat these behaviors. We’re afraid to be rejected again. The more self-esteem you have, the easier it is to be vulnerable – and our self-esteem is built over a lifetime of experiences.

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Vulnerability takes courage – but what specific fears do we have to face?

Vulnerability is not weakness. Instead, it takes courage to be vulnerable – because you have to fight down some very real, potent fears.

You’ve read why our fear of vulnerability is so deeply rooted. However, it can be helpful to label the day-to-day fears even more precisely. It’s like giving a name to the boogie monster. When it’s an abstract, unknown entity, you cower in your bed and avoid hanging your toes off the bed. You can take a more intelligent approach to fight it once you realize that it’s an old sweatshirt covered in dust bunnies. (And perhaps get a vacuum cleaner involved as well).

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5 Worries that Define Our Fear of Vulnerability

fear of vulnerability

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1. We’re afraid of not being accepted

This is the fundamental thought behind our fear of vulnerability, but it’s worth mentioning again and again. We’re afraid that our true selves won’t be accepted. On a global scale, we’re worried we won’t be accepted by anyone – because we need a sense of belonging to live a happy life. But this particular fear of vulnerability happens on a smaller scale, too.

Let’s say Mike is new to the city and trying to make friends at work. All of his coworkers have grown up in Manhattan, yet he grew up on a farm in upstate New York. One day someone invites him out to Happy Hour after work. Immediately, his fear of vulnerability kicks in. They’ll probably ask him questions about where he grew up. Will they accept the fact that he grew up on a farm? Will they judge him for his plaid button-down shirt?

We all have specific aspects of our identity that we’re afraid won’t be accepted, so we try to hide these parts of ourselves. However, to truly feel like we belong, we need to be willing to show our whole, authentic selves.

hard to be vulnerable

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2. We’re afraid of not being worthy

Part of the reason vulnerability is a risk is because we don’t know if others accept us. However, another powerful obstacle is that we don’t always accept ourselves. Think about it. If you are confident in who you are and your worth as a person, would you feel the need to hide?

A few months ago, my 40-year-old friend said, “I would not want to go back to my 20’s.”

I asked, “What’s different for you now?”

She paused and said, “I know who I am now. I’m not trying to impress anyone.”

I’ve heard the answer echo around my older friends, but I also see it – to a lesser extent – in myself. At every stage of life, we try to find out who we are. And this self-discovery process isn’t bad – in fact, it’s crucial for us to live a meaningful life.

But it’s when we accept ourselves for who we are that we can have an easier time showing up. It still might be hard (remember, our need to belong is powerful). However, the more self-worth you have, the more you can fight back your fear of vulnerability.

fear of vulnerability .

3. We’re afraid of being talked about by others

One of my friends deals with social anxiety. Recently, she tried to explain to me where it started. When she was in middle school, she found out that her closest group of friends had talked negatively about her behind her back. From that moment on, she felt a deep distrust in other people.

This distrust led to an intense fear of vulnerability. It also prevented her from feeling comfortable in making new connections.

We don’t all have social anxiety. Still, many of us can relate to this fear. When we reveal something about ourselves, we imagine our listeners going and sharing our secrets behind our backs. I can literally hear the imagined voices in my head swapping judgments about me. (“Did you see what she was wearing yesterday?”)

We have these fears because we often participate in the gossip of others. Being vulnerable requires us to say, “We don’t care what the people who don’t matter say. And we trust the people who do matter to not say bad things.”

authentic self

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4. We’re afraid of there not being enough chances

If you don’t know what the term scarcity mindset means, I highly encourage you to read my article explaining what it is and how it holds you back. For the purpose of vulnerability, however, I’ll keep it brief.

Scarcity is the natural human tendency to focus on what we lack. It’s rooted in our biological makeup. (Back in the prehistoric days, focusing on the lack of food and water was kind of important for, you know, living.) In modern times, we don’t have a lack of food and water. That being said, our brains still continuously worry that there will never be enough.

When we are faced with an opportunity to be vulnerable, the scarcity mindset jumps in. (Oh, hey, thanks for showing up, scarcity. Greaaaat timing). Being vulnerable requires taking a risk, often with other people. What if the risk doesn’t pan out? What if we open ourselves up and we’re not accepted? What if we put our trust in someone, and they disappoint us?

Scarcity makes us think these people might be our only chance. If this group of people doesn’t like us, then we’re out of options. Or this person is the only eligible bachelor around, so we can’t screw it up. The scarcity mindset ramps up the stakes of our emotional risks, increasing our fear of vulnerability.

being vulnerable

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5. We’re afraid of past experiences repeating themselves

Jenna finally summoned the courage to ask her crush out. It took weeks of her friends encouraging her to do it. The last time she asked a crush out, she had not only been rejected but horribly embarrassed by the number of rumors that spread. Hoping this time would be different, she walked up to them and asked, “Hey, would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?”

“Um, I don’t think that’d be a good idea. Nothing personal, but I’m not really interested in dating right now.” Bummer. Even the polite reply hit Jenna like a slap across the face.

Jenna would no doubt be reeling from the rejection for a bit. (She would face what’s called a Vulnerability Hangover. Read more about it here). And while she’ll feel like she will never recover, she will. At some point, she’ll develop another crush. If she’s like most people, she’ll be hesitant to be bold again. After all, rejection doesn’t feel good.

Our fear of vulnerability is not always imagined. Sometimes, it’s inspired by very real experiences that leave us feeling less than stellar. For these situations, we need to dig a bit deeper to “get back on the horse.” Because we, like Jenna, have a choice: are we willing to completely give up on something we care about in life, or are we willing to take another emotional risk?

vulnerability

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How to Fight Your Fear Of Vulnerability

You Need To Question Your Fear Of Vulnerability

Let me paint you a quick metaphor so you can better understand fear. Fear is like putting a giant boulder in the doorway of your home. If you ignore it or pretend it’s not there, you’re never going to be able to get in. Sure, you can try to sneak around to a side door, or blindly squeeze over it, but neither option will get you into your home in the peaceful, confident way that you want.

You also can’t completely get rid of your fear. No amount of dynamite will be able to eradicate it without damaging the side of your home (and probably hurting you as well).

Instead, you must acknowledge and even embrace your fear. Then, with help from others and inner-strength, you might be able to roll the boulder out of your way. Or you might be able to find a way over the boulder and through the door. As you do so, you can pat it compassionately on your way through your open doorway.

Our fear of vulnerability is no different. We can’t ignore it or erase it, but we can learn how to overcome it to do what we want to do.

Once you identify where your fear of vulnerability is coming from, question it. Roll up your sleeves and wrestle with it, if you will.

When you want to be vulnerable, but feel fear holding you back, ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Can you survive the risk?
  2. Does this act of vulnerability have the potential to make my life better and give me stronger connections?
  3. If I can imagine what I want for myself, is a negative result worth the possible positive outcome?

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Being in control feels safe, but it limits us

We’re afraid to dive into these questions because there is no clear answer. Sure, you’d gladly confess your love or express your gratitude if you knew both actions would yield positive outcomes. But because you don’t know, you stay locked in your controlled environment.

It’s like we’re all lying to ourselves when we say the phrase, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” In actuality, we live our lives by the philosophy, “What you know can’t hurt you… so let’s not risk the unknown.”

The thing about being in control is that it only gives us the illusion that we’re safe. In reality, we’re limiting our own happiness and potential. Our fear of vulnerability is trapping us, not protecting us.

As a result, we prevent ourselves from experiencing the meaningful life that we all want.

Read more about the 4 Universal Elements of a Meaningful Life and How to Create Metrics for a Meaningful Life.

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You Have to Imagine A Better Future as a Result of Being Vulnerable

Many of us have no problem imagining the negative consequences of being vulnerable. Trust that your boyfriend isn’t lying? He’s probably lying to you right now, and you’ll be both devastated and humiliated. Want to open up to your friend about your mistakes? She’ll no doubt gossip about your secrets behind your back.

I have a pretty potent fear of vulnerability when it comes to relationships. I also have a pretty powerful imagination. When they combine, I go down some nasty spirals that tend to block my joy.

However, our imagination doesn’t have to be the culprit holding us back from being vulnerable. It can actually be a positive tool in overcoming our fear of vulnerability.

We need to imagine what we want our future to look like. Picture the best, most meaningful version of life that you can. Really relish in the details and be creative with your thoughts.

In this process, don’t hold yourself back because of societal expectations or insecurities. When you feel fear sneaking back into your mind, acknowledge it – and then hop over it. Your fear of vulnerability won’t go away, but that doesn’t mean it needs to block your vision.

Then, when you have a chance to be vulnerable, hold onto this positive image of what you want your life to look like. It can help guide you in overcoming your fear of vulnerability and silencing your fears.

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5 Steps to Overcome Your Fear of Vulnerability

fear of vulnerability

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1. Identify your fear and the role that it is playing

We can’t fight what we don’t know. That’s why it’s crucial that you identify and specifically label the fears that you’re feeling. It’s like the difference between looking at a table full of tools and parts that you don’t understand, versus looking at three different tables with clearly laid out materials and steps. You feel helpless with the former, but you can begin to make headway with the latter. Being self-aware is like being given the specific steps that you need to be vulnerable.

2. Embrace fear for what it is

Rather than cursing the fear that is holding you back, embrace it for what it is. Our fear of vulnerability is deeply rooted in our need for belonging. It’s also tied in with our gender roles, cultural expectations, and past experiences. Remember, our fear is trying to protect us (along with a bunch of outdated defensive biases). It’s just not always doing it in the best way. Getting angry or disappointed by it won’t do you any good.

3. Look beyond your fear and imagine a better future

Our fears hold power over us when we let them influence our thoughts and decisions. Often, they turn our minds toward the negative. Fight against this urge. Instead, imagine a positive future for yourself as a result of living a more vulnerable life. What can being vulnerable give you? How is the imagined outcome worth the imagined risk? When you need to, fight back against your fears with affirming mantras.

4. Hold onto your self-worth and imagined outcome

Remember, throughout it all, you are worthy. When your emotions begin to tangle you up in a twisted, uncomfortable knot, keep coming back to this idea. You are just as worthy as everyone else. You deserve the positive outcome you imagined, but it’s not just going to happen for you. You’ll need to be willing to be vulnerable to achieve it. But you – and your goals – are worth it.

5. Follow tips on how to be vulnerable and overcome your vulnerability hangover

Being vulnerable goes against many of our natures, which is why we sometimes get lost in how to be vulnerable. Make sure you understand what genuine vulnerability is. Follow tips on how to be vulnerable to show your most authentic self. And, when you finally summon the courage to be vulnerable and suffer the emotional backlash afterward, follow the tips on how to overcome your vulnerability hangover.

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Don’t let your fear of vulnerability dictate your life

Humans are wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. We tend to focus on our negative emotions, and what we lack, rather than more positive feelings. In large part, these tendencies can’t be avoided; it’s rooted in our DNA. But we can work to overcome them.

Recently, my friends’ dog died. They loved the dog more than anything, and his death was extremely difficult for them. (I’m serious when I say that he was their child). The last few weeks of his life left them emotionally exhausted.

After his death, my friend would say, “I don’t ever want another dog. I can’t go through this again. It’s too hard.”

Saying this, no doubt, helped her deal with her sadness. And at that moment, it probably did feel impossible to ever be vulnerable again with another dog. But if she let this fear of vulnerability dictate her life, she’ll also never experience the joy and love that a new dog could bring.

When we’re in our lowest or most fearful moments, it’s difficult to imagine a more positive future. Our fear of vulnerability chokes our thinking. In doing so, it also takes the air out of the meaning we can find in life.

Being vulnerable is worth it in the long run.

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Top Books on Vulnerability: Brené Brown Quotes and Books

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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

A quick yet powerful read that will introduce you to wholehearted-living and what’s holding you back from embracing your true self. Named by Forbes as one of the “Five Books that Will Actually Change Your Outlook on Life,” this book will redefine what it means for you to feel worthy. It includes ten guideposts to help you create a life of authenticity and vulnerability.

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Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

A book that will change your thinking about how you live, love, and interact with others in our society. Brown dives into the cultural expectations that we face, as well as the emotions that hold us back from finding true joy. In the book, she writes, “When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.”

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Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown

A book that will transform the way you think about belonging, vulnerability, and courage. Brown writes, “True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. In a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet…But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity.”

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Conclusion

We all have a deeply rooted fear of vulnerability. This fear stems from our need for belonging. It’s also amplified by gender roles, cultural expectations, and past experiences, all of which encourage us to avoid shame at all costs.

This fear of vulnerability can be all-consuming, but we must break it down more. The more clearly we can identify our specific fears, the more we can fight against their influence over us.

Five specific aspects of our fear of vulnerability include:

  1. We’re afraid of not being accepted
  2. We’re afraid of not being worthy
  3. We’re afraid of being talked about by others
  4. We’re afraid of there not being enough chances
  5. We’re afraid of past experiences repeating themselves

Once you identify the fears holding you back, you need to question your fears. Can you survive this fear if it comes to fruition? Is the potential positive outcome worth taking the risk? It’s our natural tendency to try to control our lives. However, learning to live with uncertainty is necessary if we want to achieve a truly meaningful life. Uncertainty also holds possibility. From uncertainty, we can imagine a better future for ourselves instead of being trapped by the confines of our specific situation.

To overcome your fear of vulnerability, you need to follow these 5 steps:

  1. Identify your fear and the role that it is playing
  2. Embrace your fear for what it is
  3. Look beyond your fear and imagine a better future
  4. Hold onto your self-worth and imagined outcome
  5. Follow tips on how to be vulnerable and overcome your vulnerability hangover

You are worthy of achieving the outcome you imagine for yourself. You just need to overcome your fear of vulnerability to give yourself a chance.

Want to learn more about how your fear of vulnerability is holding you back? Check out the questions below and post your answer in the comments. Better yet, you can be really vulnerable and shoot me an email. I’d love to hear your story and give you more questions to help you realize your full potential.

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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS

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Comment below with answers, ideas, and more questions, or contact me to collaborate on a future post!

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EXPLORING YOURSELF

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How strong is your fear of vulnerability?

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Where in your life are you most afraid to be vulnerable?

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What do you imagine for yourself when you’re scared? When you’re confident?

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EXPANDING YOUR WORLD

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How does our imagination affect our happiness?

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How does our society perpetuate a fear of vulnerability?

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Can we help each other become more vulnerable?

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1 thought on “Fear of Vulnerability: How to Fight Your Fear for a Meaningful Life”

  1. The fear of vulnerability never really goes away. I have to make a conscious effort to overcome my fear of new situations all the time. I recently moved into an assisted living community and was definitely odd man out. I feared I would not be accepted by the residents, that I would come on too strong or be too quiet. It took me a week before I left my apartment except to eat meals in the dining room. Thanks to the people I sat with, they welcomed me and invited me to a few activities. It was then that I began to overcome my fear of new situations and not try too hard to gain approval. It’s an ongoing fear of acceptance that I don’t think ever completely goes away,

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