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In today’s culture, we promote happiness as something to be sought after, achieved, and even bought. We treat it like it’s a belt in karate. (Ah yes, once you’ve mastered these practices and paid for the appropriate amount of lessons, you have earned the sunshine belt: Forever Happy.) Unfortunately, this mindset fails to recognize the crucial role that self-awareness plays in experiencing happiness.
A primary problem is that our perspective on happiness focuses outward. We compare ourselves to others, strive for worldly things, and pin our happiness to external goals.
In reality, happiness starts and ends with ourselves. And we need to possess the self-awareness to realize this.
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What is Self-Awareness and Why Is It Necessary for Happiness
Self-awareness is our ability to identify our thoughts, behaviors, and actions. According to self-awareness expert Tasha Eurich, being self-aware means that we can, “see ourselves clearly to understand who we are, how others see us, and how we fit into the world around us.”
Happiness relies on our ability to do this.
If self-awareness sounds simple, it’s not. First of all, we’re wired with biases and evolutionary tendencies that make it incredibly difficult to understand ourselves. Secondly, our social comparison makes us susceptible to the cultural messages thrown at us every day.
About 90% of people think they’re self-aware, but less than 10% actually are. (Want to know how self-aware you are? Take my free self-awareness test.)
If we don’t understand ourselves, how can we possibly know what we need to be happy? Below, you’ll read eight specific elements of self-awareness that are necessary for happiness.
But first, a quick look at what happiness is.
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What Happiness Really Is (And What It Isn’t)
As we dive into what happiness consists of, it’s important to clarify what it’s not. Happiness is not an everlasting sense of bliss. None of our emotions are permanent, and happiness is no exception.
Imagine if you were happy 24/7. It would stop feeling like happiness. Some research has even coined the term “Hedonic Treadmill” to describe how new, happy experiences lose their positive effect if we do them regularly. (After eating my mom’s famous Oreo cookie dessert four days in a row, I can attest to this fact.)
Another misnomer about happiness is that it’s tied to success. We think we’ll be happy after we reach a specific salary or job promotion. Again, this isn’t true. These external factors become “never enough” benchmarks that often leave us more dissatisfied rather than less.
Finally, we often confuse happiness with pleasure. Human beings are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. (I mean, who doesn’t want to feel good, right??) Unfortunately, as our brains shoot off all of our pleasure sensors, we lose track of the big picture. Sometimes we seek pleasure in place of the big picture.
Have you ever given up on a goal because it didn’t make you feel good at the moment? Or maybe you disregarded your values to do something in the short term, even if it hurt you in the long term? When we do this, we try to alleviate the pain and suffering in our lives.
Happiness is not the avoidance of this pain and suffering. On the contrary, it’s embracing the pain and suffering that’s worth fighting for. We derive happiness from our growth and experiences.
What does this look like for you? Such a great question – and one that can be answered with increased self-awareness.
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8 Reasons Self-Awareness will Bring Your Happiness Right Now
I’ve spent a lot of time talking about what self-awareness is and what happiness isn’t. Now, it’s time to look at why self-awareness is the key to happiness. In particular, eight elements of self-awareness will help you achieve happiness in life.
To experience happiness, you must be:
1. Self-aware of what fills you with joy and meaning
My fiancé’s mom Kathy discovered a passion for mushroom foraging later in life. She began researching different types of mushrooms and collecting them on hikes. She even bought her own “mushroom block” to grow edible mushrooms in her home.
Most people have no interest in mushrooms; more than that, most people (myself included) tend to poke fun of such an eccentric hobby. If Kathy lacked self-awareness, she might listen to other people’s opinions and give up on her new hobby. However, Kathy is self-aware (and self-confident) enough to understand that mushrooms give her joy – and so she finds time to fit it into her life.
Finding out how to define joy and meaning for yourself isn’t easy, but it’s necessary to be happy. Some elements, like relationships and belonging, are universal for a meaningful life. Others – like the things that bring us joy and give us purpose – are unique to us. Instead of listening to others, we need to have the self-awareness to listen to ourselves in these pursuits.
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2. Self-aware of your flaws
If it seems like your flaws shouldn’t be on a list about happiness, you’re falling into the trap of human nature. We tend to avoid thinking about our flaws because of shame, bias, and fear. We also believe negativity stands opposite to positive emotions.
The truth is that this mindset further hurts our self-awareness. The more we try to ignore our flaws, the more potent they will become. (It’s like having an “elephant in the room,” only an evil one.)
I know I have a tendency to overthink things. This questioning mind sometimes serves me, but it often gets me stuck ruminating. As I’m trying to be happy in life, this ruminating is getting in my way. However, unless I understand my flaws, I can’t do anything to help myself. (Even if I ruminate on them.)
Being self-aware of our flaws will benefit us in two ways on the road to happiness. First, it will help us better see and counter the things that might hold us back. Second, it will help teach us the valuable lesson of self-acceptance. Happiness isn’t about being perfect. It’s about embracing the imperfections along with everything else.
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3. Self-aware of your behaviors and patterns
Have you ever done the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result? Or perhaps you’ve repeated the same pattern, never stopping to consider how it might be affecting you.
We’re human. We often act without any deliberate thought or decision-making. Instead, our emotions spur us to act without our self-awareness. Our deeply-rooted “fight-or-flight” mode gets activated, and our bodies simply respond – often in opposition to our happiness.
My friend has a deep fear of failure. As a result, when faced with a situation in which he might not be “good enough,” he experiences a wave of anxiety. For years, he let his fear dictate his actions. He would hole up playing games or watching videos, mostly unaware of what he was doing. Had he been more self-aware, he might’ve realized his behaviors brought him further from happiness rather than closer to it.
We all have behavioral patterns that we do without thinking. Many of these are coping mechanisms we developed in childhood. Until we’re self-aware of our behaviors, we can’t work to be intentional about what we do and what makes us happy.
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4. Self-aware of your impact on others
The next element of self-awareness takes a broader perspective on our behaviors. Now, we need to look at how our actions are received by others.
Did you know that one of the only proven, universal means for happiness is helping others? We’re social creatures. For millions of years, our species relied on social groups and belonging to survive. Now, this need translates into a deep need for happiness.
We must be self-aware of our impact to make it positive.
I had a friend in college who wanted nothing more than to be friends and help others. She ran around, offering advice and information (often unsolicited). Her motivation should have led to happiness – but it got lost in her actions. She had no idea that she came across self-righteous and impersonal to others.
This type of self-awareness is called external self-awareness, and it’s crucial for our happiness. Until we understand our impact on others, we can’t build relationships and meaningful interactions to help bring us joy.
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5. Self-aware of how you narrate your life
If you didn’t learn it at the beginning of this article, let me repeat it: happiness is not the absence of pain and suffering. Instead, happiness is derived from our growth. It encompasses the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Therefore, how we view the good, the bad, and the ugly is paramount in how happy we’ll feel. We must be self-aware of how we narrate our life and the perspective we take on our circumstances. After all, we can rarely control the outside world – but we can control how we view it.
Let me give an example. This past year my fiancé and I planned on spending our summer in Portland, Oregon. We rented an apartment and looked forward to two months in a new city. (A city with fantastic food trucks, I might add.) Then, the COVID crisis forced us to cancel our rental and stay in our hometown instead.
I could’ve adopted the narrative, “COVID ruined my plans. My summer will never be as good as it could have been.” Or, I could’ve adopted the narrative, “COVID changed my plans. Now, I get to spend a beautiful summer in my hometown on a lake. How can I make the best of it?”
The circumstances didn’t change, but my experience certainly will. To adopt the best narrative, we must have the self-awareness to choose the narrative that will lead us toward happiness.
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6. Self-aware of your standards of success
A piece of your narrative story includes what your standards of success are. As I’ve said, we often attach happiness to things like money, jobs, and purchases. If happiness is all about our growth, should we have no standards of success at all?
Complete erasure of all standards isn’t the answer. Instead, it’s about possessing the self-awareness to define your own standards of success. And everyone will be different. The key is to make them realistic and based on what you find purposeful.
A handful of brain biases lead us to expect higher levels of success for ourselves than what we should. For example, I read a lot of books by bestselling authors. Therefore, if I decide to write a book, I’ll naturally expect it to become a bestseller. (Have you read my writing? I mean, it’s obvious I’ll go right to the top.)
A more attainable goal – and one that will lead to happiness – is to set my standards at getting a published book in the first place. And even then, if I pin all my happiness on this heightened goal, I still might not find happiness. What if I call writing my blog a success? Now I can appreciate what I love (writing) and what I want to do (write for others).
Our culture does a lot to create standards of success for us. You need self-awareness to create your own metrics to find happiness.
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7. Self-aware of your growth
As you tackle your standards of success, you must understand that growth should be your primary metric. Your narrative (which you must be self-aware of) should focus on your journey, not your end goal.
Of course, to really revel in your growth, you’ve got to be self-aware of it.
Imagine back when you were a student. At the end of your class or school year, did your teacher ever make you look back and reflect on what you learned? Did you ever have an epiphany and realize, Wow, I’ve learned a ton!
That’s kind of like what it’s like with personal life lessons. We don’t always see what we learn until we take a moment to stop and reflect. These reflections, therefore, are where we can tap into the happiness that we’re looking for.
If growth is what makes us happy, we’ve got to be self-aware of that growth.
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8. Self-aware of your understanding of happiness
Finally, your self-awareness of how you define happiness will affect your happiness. If this seems like a “catch-all,” it kind of is. Still, it’s critical to consider.
For example, maybe you come away from reading this post with a new definition of happiness. It’s important that you remember and refer to this fact. Then, as future experiences come up, you can remind yourself of what happiness is.
Remember, we’ve got a lot of biases and confusing emotions working against our self-awareness. On top of that, we’ve got a culture trying to get its hands on our definitions.
Happiness is personal to the self, yet it often gets lost in the way.
If you’re not feeling happy, check-in with yourself. Are you missing something to be happy? Or are you merely comparing yourself to the wrong definition? How can you change your definition and focus on the self-awareness elements we talked about instead?
Happiness is elusive and complicated, no doubt – but it doesn’t have to be.
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How to Increase Your Self-Awareness for Happiness
By reading this post, you’re already more self-aware than you were before. However, there’s still a lot getting in the way of your self-awareness.
As you work to redefine happiness, you must:
- Be on the lookout for how strong cultural influences are
- Ask yourself better questions and remain curious
- Understand that self-awareness is a never-ending process
- Avoid the most common traps of self-awareness
You must discover your truth before you can fully be happy.
Want to take the first step toward happiness right now? Sign up for The Art of Being Self-Aware: A Life Mastery Course. It will give you everything you need to know about self-awareness, where you’re missing it in your life, and how to be more self-aware moving forward.
Believe me (and the hundreds of people who’ve benefited from it): it’ll be the best $20 you’ll ever spend.
Not ready to spend any money? No pressure! Sign up for my newsletter and free weekly self-awareness activities.
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Conclusion
Self-awareness plays a crucial role in our happiness. Being self-aware entails understanding who we are, as well as recognizing our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
It also encompasses knowing that happiness depends on our growth, not our external successes.
To achieve happiness, you need to be self-aware of:
- Your source of joy and meaning
- Your flaws
- Your behaviors and patterns
- Your impact on others
- Your narrative perspective
- Your standards of success
- Your growth
- Your understanding of happiness
Not ready to enroll in a life-changing course? That’s okay – sign up for my newsletter or post a comment below. Even these tiny intentional acts can serve as a valuable step for your growth.
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FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS
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Comment below with answers, ideas, and more questions, or contact me to collaborate on a future post!
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EXPLORING YOURSELF
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What was your definition of happiness before reading this post?
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What gives you joy and fills you with purpose?
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How self-aware are you of the things holding you back from happiness?
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EXPANDING YOUR WORLD
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How strong is cultural influence on our view of happiness?
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What can we do to reclaim what it means to be successful?
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How can we better promote the importance of self-awareness in being happy?
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