Questionable Advice #5: How do I reclaim my identity as a strong, independent woman?

Questionable Advice (1)

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Questionable Advice #5:

How do I reclaim my identity as a strong, independent woman?

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From a new subscriber, in a response to the “welcome” email:

Hello Kara,

  • What brought you to this email?

    • I stumbled across one of your question pages on Pinterest and loved it so I had to go to your website. I’ve been going through a debilitating depression due to an abusive boyfriend. He took everything from me, including my identity. I have no idea who I am and need to get back to my strong, independent woman zone. So… in order to do that and also possibly improve my depression, here I am. 🙂 
  • What questions do you struggle with the most?

    • Honestly, I had ECT and it messed up my brain a lot. Then you add Depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD….. I could probably come up with a few more acronyms. Sorry, I hide behind humor. I feel that any question pertaining to me, my time frame, people, dates are difficult but the ones that really get at your heart and mind, the ones that help me find myself again.
  • If I was magic, what would you want from me?

    • Rewind to 2015 or something and just let me and my sons continue to live life.
  • What’s happening in your life now?

    • Embarrassingly enough – when I say he destroyed me… I’m just going to give it to you straight – I’m on disability, live in a group home.
  • What questions can I personally give YOU to help you sort out some of your thoughts?

    • I have NO IDEA.

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Dear Acronyms,

I developed a bad speaking habit in my young adult life. As I attempted to refrain from “trailing off” at the end of my sentences, I replaced a decreasing volume with a qualifying phrase. Specifically, I began to end many of my statements with “or whatever.” And by many, I mean most – particularly when I didn’t feel confident in what I was saying.

I don’t know when my use of “or whatever” started, but I imagine it began when I proposed a choice. I’m indecisive by nature, and relatively easygoing, so adding an “or whatever” option to the end of my answer seems natural.

“Let’s go walk at the park, or whatever.” 

“I can make a salad to bring, or whatever.”

Unfortunately, the habit didn’t end there. Instead, it gained power as it slid into my everyday vernacular. Pretty soon, my own wants and needs – things that weren’t a choice – became qualified.

“I want to finish this first, or whatever.” 

“What if this isn’t a good idea, or whatever.”

“I believe this is important, or whatever.

In the vagueness that “whatever” contained, I handed my voice’s power over to the interpretations of the people I was with. For the people I trusted, I merely lost sight of myself for a few moments. However, every time I opened my core up to other people, I took a risk that someone would grab hold of it and use it for something far away from what I meant.

As women, we’re conditioned from a young age to be quiet, sweet, and likable. Society tells us to keep any contradictory opinions to ourselves, even at the expense of hiding our own truth. I know I don’t need to teach you this, but there’s power in reminding ourselves of this fact. Too often, we trade in our needs for someone else’s, or we qualify what we stand for because we’re afraid of not meeting our expectations.

I’ve opened your email several times ready to respond, and each time, I’ve found myself chewing on how to reply. And no, that’s not because you’re a “lost cause” and there’s nothing to say. Nor is it because you’re carrying a lot of injuries with you, both physically and mentally.

The cavalier nature in which you answer these questions struck me. You jump from Pinterest to debilitating depression, from acronym jokes to questions for the heart. You’ve given me the privilege to know that you suffered abuse, lost your identity, and moved into a group home. Your openness in sharing these truths demonstrates courage and vulnerability that few possess.

Yet there are also things you’ve decided that I’m not privileged to know. You don’t talk about your sons, although I imagine they’re an important part of your story. You say you live in a group home, even though I’m sure it is completely different than what you’re used to. 

For the record, this isn’t hiding; it’s an important and healthy choice of what you want others to know and what you don’t.

However, there’s one answer in which you straddle the line between sharing and hiding. You answered that you wish magic could allow you to, “rewind to 2015 or something.” 

There’s so much power, raw emotion, and struggle in your email. Yet in all the heaviness of your email, the phrase I keep coming back to is “or something.” The vague, qualifying phrase that hides what you truly want – perhaps even from yourself.

I cannot profess to know what it’s like to experience the things that you have, nor cope with the challenges you do. Nor can I give you actionable steps or magical questions on how to move forward. It’s going to take a colossal amount of effort, and you’ll continuously face obstacles and challenges.

All I can say is that I think some of what you’re looking for lies in that “or something.” And I don’t mean rewinding to the past, but instead, peering into your inner voice for the future.

For a long time, your abusive boyfriend took your voice away from you. He tried to hide your identity, and somewhere along the way, it became hidden from you, too.

But he didn’t destroy it. And while you’ve lost sight of who you are, you haven’t lost who you are. That’s because “who you are” is constantly evolving, changing, growing. It’s not defined by one thing, no matter how big or small that thing is.

It’s defined by us asking questions, putting in the work, and learning to listen to ourselves again. It’s shown through surfing through Pinterest, sending vulnerable emails, and saying, “I want to find myself again.”

It’s found by defining what “or something” is for us. And then, little by little, learning how to share that “or something” with the world.

You said you have no idea what questions you need. I think they all come back to one question:

What is your “or something”? 

This question isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. And I believe you have the strength to dive into it.

I know that you may not see your strength, but I do. Your email demonstrates to me tremendous strength. You name your abuse. There is so much power in that – some survivors never get to that point. You also name what that abuse has taken from you and what you want back. I’ve been writing about self-awareness for years, and I can assure you that many people are: one, not self-aware enough to do this, and two, not vulnerable enough to declare it, even to themselves. Not only did you declare it for yourself, but you read my blog and reached out to me. This is strength, Rana, and it shines through in your courage and honesty.

As you explore the central question of your “something” (and the questions below), I urge you to be gentle with yourself. If you haven’t already, finding a support group or forum where you can share stories with similar people can have a powerful impact. Always remember, what you share and who you share it with should be your choice. No qualifications or vagueness necessary.

Your journey has not and will not be easy for you, Rana, but I have all the faith in the world. You may have read my post What is Authenticity, in which I describe the great privilege of talking with a woman who got out of her abusive relationship and found herself years later (although her challenges were different, so I don’t say that as a comparison.) Millions of women have lost themselves and found themselves, sometimes more than once.

But the biggest reason I have faith is that you’ve already started the work and see its value. You’re on your way back to SIWZ* and I wish you all the best of empowerment in your journey. 

*Strong Independent Woman Zone – an acronym I want you to add to your list.

All the love,

Kara

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Questions to consider:

  • What strength did you demonstrate by sending me this email?
  • How can you learn to acknowledge your inner strength again?
  • When do you experience the most shame? How can you learn to let this go?
  • How can you continue to use humor to brighten your life?
  • Where are opportunities to bring more humor and laughter into your life?
  • What little moments do you hide who you are from others?
  • When are moments when you share your authentic self with others?
  • Who serves as inspiration for you? (And if you don’t know, how can you find someone?)
  • What power have you found in connecting with other people’s similar stories?
  • What strategies help you during your lowest moments?

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Want some of your own Questionable Advice? Send me an email or check out my FAQ on what Questionable Advice is (and why you should do it).

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