Hello Kara,

My name is Kaitlyn, and I am emailing you just because I am beyond inspired, impressed, appreciative, and many other things with your work on your website. I relate to this work so much in terms of my aspirations and passions after I graduate college. 

I stumbled upon it because I have a cool professor who is having us do an independent research/experiential project on something of interest to us. Mine was emotional intelligence and self-awareness (how to build it in yourself and in organizations, why it matters, the benefits, everything). So it was a completely random Google search that led me here.

What I wanted out of this email was just to say:

1. GOOD JOB with all this work you’ve put into your blog. It speaks to me beyond what you know!

2. I have been thinking a lot about starting my own blog, book, podcast, or something on similar topics you’ve been sharing. I am curious how you went about doing this because you are literally what I want to be! Any advice or takeaways from your personal journey to develop this site and stay motivated to put so many hours into it would be awesome.

Best wishes,

Kaitlyn

Hi Kaitlyn,

I almost sent you a quick reply, because I’ve been truly terrible at replying promptly this year. But then I decided to use your email as a reason to reflect on my personal journey. So really, I should be thanking you for the inspiration and encouragement. I should probably also be apologizing for the length of this response, and how much I made it about me. But I hope you’re able to glean something from my long reply (and I did put “What I Learned” and Personalized Questions at the end). As you read my story, I encourage you to use it as a prompt for reflection. Think about how the experience and crossroads might apply to you, and what you would do in those situations.

Again, thank you for reaching out–it really does keep me motivated to keep doing what I’m doing. I welcome any further questions or feedback you may have, and I promise I can be more specific if you have future questions about specific topics related to the online world.

Warmly,

Kara

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I got further than most kids with my dream of being a published author. Not in the actual publishing sense, unfortunately, but in the sense that I wrote several books, queried literary agents, and even had one request to read the manuscript. You have a strong narrative voice, he said, but unfortunately, I have to pass. And with his words, my last hopes at becoming the next S.E. Hinton––teenage writer extraordinaire––quietly dissolved.

I’d be remiss, however, if I blamed him for the deterioration of perseverance with my writing goals. That particular element had been crumbling for years. As a teenager, I blamed my involvement with sports for the reason my writing was neglected. (I still remember a dramatic letter to my father which cited: Why is it that my writing, which has never caused me the emotional pain like basketball has, gets neglected in my room?) And then in college, when given the chance to propose a writing project for my Creative Writing senior thesis, I chose to write about my experience playing a college sport–because it let me focus on basketball.

It was only years later that I came to admit that nothing forced me to neglect my writing. I chose to prioritize things over writing. I became a teacher and coach. I developed a workout-obsessed eating disorder. I filled my time off with travel and summer jobs and social plans.

And–as with many of us–my ever-present “life” got in the way.

I did continue to write in the first two years after college, and even completed a 150-page book. But, unbeknownst to me at the time, the perseverance needed to be a writer was gone. Sure, I had the discipline to sit down and force myself to put words on the page if it was a goal (and if it fit behind my other front-facing, work-related goals). But I didn’t have the perseverance to sit down and sit with the words like good writing demanded. 

As I stood up in front of my high school English class each day and empathetically told them the importance of revision, I shriveled at the notion of reworking what I had “finished” writing. The idea of not being able to check “done” on the writing to-do list sent me spiraling toward other things.

Naturally, the feedback I received for my 150-page book required substantial revision. And it never saw it.  

After a couple of years, however, I felt that dormant desire to write stirring again. This time, I understood myself better. I was aware that, for many reasons, I wasn’t in a place to embrace a large project. I also knew that if I didn’t hold myself accountable, I would slip right back into the familiar cycle of prioritizing everything else above writing (a.k.a. human nature at its finest).

So I started a hobby blog to tap back into my passion for writing. I paid $70 for a year-long domain name (enough money to make me feel compelled to not give up, as I hate wasting money). Airplane Windows and Bathroom Mirrors was born: a blog that traveled outward and inward.

Blogging, as it turned out, fit nicely into my skill set. I could write quick, snappy posts, and then feel the satisfaction of checking them off my to-do list (very little revision required). I had the organizational skills to juggle the different tasks: writing, website design, research, and outreach. And, unlike the perseverance needed for long-term writing projects, my discipline served me well in tackling the many smaller tasks required for blogging.

I began to wonder if I could still realize my dream to be a professional writer, just in a different avenue. I attended a travel blogging conference to see if blogging still inspired me; and if it did, how I should proceed.

The conference presented me with a crucial decision: I could continue to write a weekly post for fun, or I could amp up my pursuits to gain a real audience.

Inspired mostly by my long-held desire to be a professional writer, and partly by my unhealthy need to attach external worth to my pursuits, I chose the latter. I amped up my endeavor in nearly every way: money invested, time invested, research hours, social media presence. I changed my domain name to My Question Life, inspired by the flexibility yet focus it could give me. 

I like to call this stage of my blog MyQuestionLife 1.0.

I wrote more posts, but this time they focused on narrower themes; teaching, female empowerment, and travel – all my passions. The website design took hours, and every time I figured something out seemed to lead to a new obstacle. (I still harbor a pervasive loathing of all things WordPress–something that pushes me closest to quitting, and something I’m attempting to reframe my mindset around.)

I also took the most difficult step of it all: I shared the blog on my social media. It took all my courage to send the post, and it triggered what felt like all my vulnerability in the anxious avoidance that followed. I had no problem telling my best friends; likewise, sharing the blog to strangers was easy. However, the terrifyingly wide net of people between the two is who haunted my imagination and filled my ears with hypothetical judgment. You know the group, filled with those acquaintances, work colleagues, and past relationships that you clearly remember and vaguely wonder what they’re up to.

The outreach felt doubly vulnerable because it wasn’t just sharing my stories (which often contained personal anecdotes). It was sharing my dream. My belief that I could “make it as a blogger.” Writing this now, I still hear an unassigned voice saying, I can’t believe she thinks her writing is good enough for that. 

As you might expect, the actual responses I got were much more positive. Some of those haunting faces–the ones I worried most about, for whatever reason–even reached out in support. And, you know what? Most people didn’t respond, or reach out, or even care. 

That’s the thing about vulnerability. When something feels so important to us, we tend to assume that everyone else cares just as much. And, to be quite frank, we’re just not that special–despite our fanciful fears making us believe otherwise.

Once my blog–and my dream– had been put into the world, I could get down to work again. This time, the work came in the form of figuring out how the heck to make a blog successful. 

Turns out, a successful blog can mean a lot of things. However, the one universal necessity I understood from day one was that I needed traffic. Without readers, it was just me paying to put my words into the Internet world (a reality that I have considered enough to fulfill me).

Despite my best efforts, MyQuestionLife 1.0 wasn’t yielding the results I wanted. So, a couple months later, I dove back into blogging research again. This time I didn’t overlook the information I thought I could bypass in the first place (aka Search Engine Optimization, catchy titles, specific themes, branding). You know…all the parts of our passions that completely suck but nobody likes to acknowledge. Writer Mark Manson calls this your “flavor of shit sandwich”.

I ate said shit sandwich, and MyQuestionLife 2.0 was born.

I also adopted the driving goal that all public content producers must hold: my writing had to be for others, not for me. Sure, my anecdote about getting into an argument with my partner felt therapeutic to write about. But did it offer the reader something? Did I include it as a means to an end, rather than an end with the hope that there was some means? (Also, I feel the irony in saying this as I write a lengthy personal narrative. But at least I warned you!)

Several other crossroads emerged, as well, that I had to make a choice about. The first was the quality of writing. Blog writing didn’t require deep contemplation and honed writing skills. I quickly came to realize this in my research and perusing of blogs I found on Pinterest.  On the contrary, many of the most successful blog posts lacked strong writing. List-formats and dramatic titles reigned as leaders; posts populated with keyword-stuffed headlines emerged as champions. 

How far from my original goal–to rededicate myself to writing–was I willing to go? Did writing in any capacity, regardless of its creativity or heart, still fulfill me?

The second crossroads set me in front of a central human dilemma: profit versus experience. As I learned more about how to make money on the internet (and as I learned how many blogs make money off instructing people how to make money), I understood that my actions required me to make certain decisions that I hadn’t anticipated.

How much was I willing to change in order to make my blog marketable? What marketing tricks did I feel comfortable using to tap into human behavior? And what would take precedent when I made decisions–my readers, or my profits? (Mind you, even deciding to prioritize profits didn’t mean that they came. I still had very little clue on how I could make real money.)

Both these junctions–writing quality and money-making ethics– found me in regular attendance over the last four years, and I still frequent them today. Not surprisingly, I’ve found that their questions don’t yield black and white answers. Instead, it’s a swinging pendulum that you’ve got to find a balance within. And it’s a trial-and-error process as you swing.

For most of the years, I managed to keep some whisper in my head that said, “Don’t stop.” Even when I spent hours writing and designing an Ebook that didn’t make me any money. Even after I spent $10, then $15, then $20 a month on my email subscriber service, despite the fact that I often neglected it and never used it as many other bloggers did: as a funnel source to make money back. 

And even after planning a wedding and starting a new, all-consuming job, when my mental bandwidth became so full I found myself crying on the kitchen floor, and had barely looked at my blog in five months, and faced the very present question: should I just give up on it?

Even then, something from within told me that no, it wasn’t time yet. For reasons unknown to me, but also reasons I had to accept might never fully reveal themselves.

I think that’s what creative content dreams like this require. Simultaneously holding onto the exciting possibilities of “what could be” while letting go of our personal expectations for “what could be.” The fine dance between imagination and acceptance, anticipation and contentment, an unrelenting pursuit and a relentless openness to change.

It also requires a constant self-inventory of oneself.

The first time I saw my blog post land itself on Google’s first search page brought tears to my eyes. When my “Free Self-Awareness Test” landed in the #1 ranking spot, I felt immense satisfaction and pride in my work. That #1 spot came through hours learning about SEO keywords, creating a strategy around my blog’s theme, and endless outreach via email to try to secure backlinks. It’s difficult to stay motivated without seeing results.

But prioritizing keywords and backlinks wasn’t why I started blogging, and something was missing. I needed to find ways to balance this non-writing work. I challenged myself to include narrative writing within my list-themed posts, and over time, I think it’s strengthened my writing. I also started the “Questionable Advice” section, despite it adding no Google-traffic-driving value to my blog. 

I found that, as much as I did these things for my readers, I also did them for me. And I came to realize that this distinction was not only okay, but necessary for me to stay inspired in my work. I could play the money-making, market-requiring games so long as I protected some space for the original “why” behind why I wanted to start a blog.

I also found creative ways to bring in my other primary value–connection–that seemed to be missing when my readers existed only as statistics on Google Console. Using my blog as the jumping ground, I reached out to authors and other creatives asking if I could interview them. These interviews turned into blog posts (some based on keywords, others that didn’t), but more importantly, they turned into a sense of connection through MyQuestionLife that had been lacking before.

As I look back, I believe reflecting on where my values–curiosity, connection, creativity–fit into my blogging benefited my blog and my life. It taught me to pause and ask, Do I see my values in this endeavor? If not, is it something that fulfills me? If I want it to fulfill me, how can I incorporate my values more?  

Now I approach every major decision in my life by asking these questions. I’m not always correct, but the outcome can still be powerful.

As for profits, I wish I had more insight to offer on how to turn this love of mine into a full-time job. It’s easy to get sucked into the income reports and success stories that rank on “how to make a living off of blogging/podcasting/etc.” But the truth is, for every successful blog, there are thousands that didn’t figure it out or take the time to get there.

Because of my work for MyQuestionLife, I stumbled upon a freelancing opportunity with a passionate and successful website creator. This work earned me my first real paycheck, and despite the fact that it wasn’t my blog that directly earned it, I appreciated that MyQuestionLife still yielded the opportunity.

As for my website, I avoided ads for years, saying that they would hurt “the integrity of my blog.” I loved how clean and crisp my posts looked with flashing texts and random pop-up windows interrupting the intentionally crafted paragraphs. Over the years, I became satisfied with the fact that my own personal investments in time and money were worth it for the joy I gained from the overall experience. 

However, after a failed Ebook sales attempt, a less-than-profitable online course venture, and an abysmal profit margin on affiliate links, I began to ask: do I want my years of hard work to yield some profit?

Again, I had to wrestle with myself and my values. I also had to trust that my answer today didn’t need to be the same as my answer tomorrow.

During the five months I neglected my blog, an ad salesman reached out to me. Struggling to find time to actively gain purpose from my blog, I figured I might as well try to passively gain profits. So I responded, and thus, MyQuestionLife 3.0 came into fruition. Less pretty, more distracting, but more profitable.

I’m nowhere close to making a full-time income on my blog. And I think this ability to make choices without feeling the pressure of needing an income has helped me greatly in terms of clarity and enjoyment. (In the book Originals by Adam Grant, he spends a chapter discussing how the “starving artist” is actually detrimental to creative success. I encourage you to read it). I also haven’t let go of the dream of making enough income off of my blog and creative endeavors to have it be my full-time gig. 

But for now, I’m happy with the current decisions at the two crossroads–writing and profits–that I’ve made. Ask me in a year, and my perspective might be different.

That’s the biggest lesson I’ve taken away from my blogging pursuits: that no matter how much planning or research you do, you’re never going to reach the final iteration. There is no MyQuestionLife Final #.0 version. Every version held its own worth, every version taught me something, and every version got me to this current version. 

At times, my motivation skyrocketed, but it came from outdated beliefs I had rather than true values. Other times, my clarity was crystal clear, but my motivation ebbed. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars without seeing any monetary payoff, but somehow–at times–understood that the purpose it gave me was worth it. Two months ago, I received my first ad paycheck–about $1,000–and taped it to my wall because I felt so proud.

For periods of time, I looked at stats that told me 800-1,000 people visited my blog every day, but the little graph on my phone didn’t hold any real weight for me. Then, I would remind myself that those numbers represented real people, and I’d feel immense satisfaction in the fact that I was helping people. Every once in a while, I would get an email from someone sharing their vulnerability with me in such a powerful way that made me think, If my blog helped this one person, then it was all worth it. 

In the last four years, I nearly threw my computer out of the window when trying to figure out javascript and WordPress. I spent hours learning and developing my blog’s Pinterest, only to have a glitch erase months’ worth of progress (a struggle that still makes me too tired to think about restarting). I wrote an entire Ebook, turned it into an entire online course, and quickly realized that my entire premise–trying to convince people who weren’t self-aware to be self-aware enough to invest in their self-awareness–was flawed. Turns out, I should’ve put a bit more thought into the business side of things before starting.

That being said, I have learned a ton about business, marketing, and a handful of other topics. Throughout the never-ending research and application of that research, I’ve also learned where to thread my passions into the less-than-exciting blogging strategy. The entire process has reinforced my aptitude for learning, and in doing so, I’ve become an expert on things I never anticipated when starting out. 

Off of WordPress, opportunities have indirectly emerged from my blog that I never expected. New ideas, connections with awesome people, and even career changes. The phrase, “Energy flows where attention goes’ contains powerful truths when you put yourself into the world and open yourself to possibilities. I credit my recent job shift from teaching to communications in part to my blogging ventures; I even feel at peace that if MyQuestionLife’s main purpose was to get me to where I am in my career, then that was an honorable purpose indeed.

I’ve cried tears of joy, frustration, and anger. I’ve felt what feels like every shade of vulnerability throughout this journey, and yet I’m sure next week I’ll feel a new one.  I’ve felt anger and hurt when the most important people in my life didn’t read my blog posts, but it taught me to name the support I need and ask for it from the people I trust. I’ve also learned to appreciate that encouragement can come from surprising people and places. And I’ve developed a sense of confidence in myself and my work that I never thought I would’ve when starting out. 

I share these specific things not because I think my story is incredibly unique or inspiring. Instead, I write these things because it’s their mundandenous that makes them powerful. The honest, candid, and sometimes boring aspects that become hidden in the online world of catchy titles, keyword-targeted formulas, and look-how-successful-I-can-make-you stories.

What motivates me to do what I do? 

Honestly, I can’t answer that. My answer changes all the time. But I think it’s the beauty of this evolution that keeps me going. The purpose in having a creative outlet to better understand myself and my place in the world.

My advice to you Kaylin, is to go for it, whatever it is. You might find that you’ll discover what you’re looking for along the way.

Lessons I’ve Learned

1. I learned that, no matter how much research I do, I can’t know everything about what makes a blog successful before I start something. There’s too much information to absorb all at once. As I try to implement the different strategies, it’ll always come back to a process of trial, error, and–lookatmenow–reflection.
2. I learned how scary it feels to put your dream into the world and have to publicly acknowledge it. I think anytime we have to tell others, “This is something I really care about and want,” it’s inevitable we hear a chorus of imagined replies in our mind: “It’s a stupid dream.”
3. I learned how to keep these voices at bay, at least so they don’t get in my way. Don’t get me wrong–sometimes they can be extremely loud. During those particularly vulnerable moments, I go back to my defenses: reminding myself why I’m doing it, tapping into the joy I feel, reading my favorite authors, and talking to my people.
4. I’ve learned that sometimes you just need to do. You can’t be prepared for everything, and sometimes taking the first step–even if it’s the wrong one–will still get you moving toward the direction you want to go.
5. I learned that it’s okay to feel the desire to give up, and it’s even okay to give up on something–but only if you’re doing it to make space for something that’s more in line with what you want.
6. I learned that you have to name your values and then continually come back to them on your journey. Ask yourself: Do I see my values in this endeavor? If not, is it something that fulfills me? If I want it to fulfill me, how can I incorporate my values more?  
7. I learned that my values and what they look like can change. What I believed yesterday might be different today, and it’s okay to let go of old expectations to make room for the new.
8. I learned to draw lines for myself on what I feel morally good about doing with my blog and for my readers. We all have different moral lines, but it’s when we don’t realize them or see how they’re playing out that things get messy.
9. I learned how to reframe success and define purpose for myself. This requires a lot of internal reflection, despite the fact that our natural default is to look outward and compare.
10. I learned to be patient with myself. Everything takes longer than I initially thought. I failed to meet most of the deadlines I set for myself, which is not an easy thing for me to do. It also forced me to reflect on the deadlines I do set and if they’re healthy and realistic.
11. I learned that I can’t rely on anybody else to encourage me forward. I have a small circle of people who support me wholeheartedly, but they have lives and their own pursuits, and my blog is not at the forefront of their minds (nor would I expect it to be). 
12. I learned to identify what I do need to feel supported by my relationships, and how to express that to them. 
13. I’ve learned more about my strengths, as well as the limitations that come on the other side of those strengths. I’ve also learned to investigate my mindset more closely, because some outdated beliefs might no longer be serving me.
14. I learned that the phrase “Everything happens for a reason” is more of an attitude than a belief. It’s up to us to look for what experiences give us, and then use those findings to inform how we can live our purpose moving forward.
15. I learned that emails from people like you can prompt me to write eight pages worth of reflection–the longest piece I’ve written in a while–and inspire me to realize I still find purpose in this pursuit. For that, I thank you immensely.

Personal Questions for you:

• What are your core values?
• How will your values fit into your creative work?
• What about starting a creative pursuit (blog, podcast, book, etc). most excites you?
• What do you hope to gain from starting a creative pursuit? Are you open to allowing this to change?
• How do you define success and failure? How much is this definition influenced by others versus yourself?
• Even if nobody read or listened to your creative pursuit, would you still enjoy creating it?
• How often do you check-in with yourself on your dreams and aspirations?
• How self-aware are you when it comes to your emotions?
• What are some of your strengths that will help you with your creative pursuit? What are the things that will hold you back?
• How can you find a way to start your creative pursuit without putting too much pressure on it (and sustain your bills in the process)?

Vulnerable Leadership: 6 Tips on How to Be Vulnerable as a Leader by Dare to Lead Facilitator Kathy Bell-Tonic

This article is based on an interview with Kathy Bell-Tonic. She is a leading expert on leadership and vulnerability. You can read her full bio below or check out more about her on her website.

Kathy Bell-Tonic logged onto her computer a few minutes before the online training session was scheduled to start. Her Dare to Lead materials sat in front of her, neatly stacked and ready to go. Today marked the first of six four-hour sessions that she would lead as a Dare to Lead Facilitator, a well-respected title!

Kathy took a deep breath, settling her nerves. This session would be her first time leading anyone through the Dare to Lead curriculum. It had only been a few months since she trained with Brené Brown.

It might surprise some people that Kathy felt nervous. You see, she had years of leadership coaching experience. The Ph.D. expert had taught at colleges, worked with high-up CEO’s, and led global teams in leadership development. In 2006, she even founded her own leadership consulting firm.

Yet here she was – leading a relatively straightforward online workshop – and feeling vulnerable.

As she geared up for her introduction, Kathy decided to do something courageous. Rather than hide her vulnerable feelings, she chose to share them with her students.

“This is the first time I’m doing this,” she told them. “I feel comfortable with the material, and I feel comfortable with you, but there are some aspects of the training I’m still unsure of. So I want you to tell me what works and doesn’t work for you.”

It comes as no surprise that the workshop was a huge success. But it wasn’t because Kathy “overcame” her vulnerable emotions. Instead, she credits the program’s success to her ability to share her vulnerability.

By embodying vulnerable leadership, Kathy encouraged the group to do the same. The transformative results, according to Kathy, spoke for themselves.

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What is Vulnerable Leadership?

Vulnerability is our willingness to take emotional risks, even if we don’t fully know the outcome. We present our most authentic selves and feelings, silently asking, “Accept us as we are.” In doing this, we open ourselves up to uncertainty, rejection, and judgment.

It requires a great deal of courage to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable.

Vulnerability in leadership is no different. Vulnerable leaders are willing to present their most authentic selves without being able to control the outcome. This vulnerability might include actions like admitting imperfections, acknowledging uncertainty, exposing emotions, or asking for help. It takes a strong leader to be able to do these things.

When Kathy told her training group that she was unsure of her first time teaching, she took a vulnerable stance. She showed herself to be a real person with real feelings, rather than a closed-off expert. In doing so, she unified herself with the group members.

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Many leaders push back against vulnerability as a sign of incompetence.

There’s a critical distinction, however, between being vulnerable and being incompetent.

Being vulnerable is having the courage to say, “This is an area I struggle with/don’t know much about/want feedback on so that I can grow.” Vulnerable leadership is working toward change. Incompetence, on the other hand, is either the lack of awareness or unwillingness to grow. It’s being bad at something and stopping there.

Kathy’s act of vulnerability opened the door for honest and genuine feedback. Not only did she grow more, but she also modeled the importance of vulnerability for the group. That model would set the tone for her students to practice their own vulnerability, ultimately opening themselves up for more development.

Unfortunately, vulnerable leadership often gets lost in our current business culture.

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What’s Holding Our Leaders Back from Vulnerability

Picture some of the most quintessential authority figures that you know or observed growing up. Maybe they were your teachers, coaches, or bosses. What qualities would you attribute to them? Did they ever talk about their emotions or shortcomings?

Many of us grew up with the model that leaders should create distance between themselves and their followers. The differences in power manifested in physical and emotional barriers. Rarely would authority figures admit mistakes or have a “human” conversation.

We’ve started to shift away from this antiquated notion of leadership. However, remnants of these past beliefs still influence our thinking. In particular, we see their impact in the damaging myths about vulnerability that pervade our workplaces and organizations.

The biggest misconception is that being vulnerable equates to weakness. We think leaders shouldn’t be vulnerable because it makes them look less credible or compelling.

To be successful, individuals need to challenge this perspective. Being vulnerable takes a great deal of courage. The more vulnerable leaders are willing to be, the more they can model vulnerability for others.

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A Lack of Self-Awareness Holds Back Vulnerable Leadership

The other main obstacle holding us back is our lack of self-awareness. The majority of us aren’t aware of our actions or thoughts (despite out biases making us think that we are). In fact, 90% of people believe they are self-aware when less than 10% actually are.

What’s more, studies proved that self-awareness is the most critical quality of a successful leader. It takes work and vulnerability to develop your self-awareness. Fortunately, there’s a course designed specifically for you. (You can check out more details at the bottom of this post.)

Want to see how self-aware you are? Take my free, quick self-awareness test.

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Kathy Bell-Tonic: How Vulnerable Leadership Can Lead to Transformative Moments

Another damaging myth about vulnerability is that it’s only reserved for deep, dark emotions. This notion couldn’t be further from the truth. Vulnerability is a daily practice, and it’s one that shows up in a multitude of actions and behaviors.

When I interviewed Kathy Bell-Tonic, she said vulnerability plays a role in her life every day. Whether she’s interacting with a new client, learning something new, or putting herself out there, she’s continuously opening herself up to emotional uncertainty.

What comes of these efforts? In Kathy’s words: “Transformation. I keep putting myself out there, and it opens up my life to new opportunities.”

This practice of vulnerable leadership doesn’t just benefit her. Every time she models vulnerability, she invites the people around her to do the same.

“Someone grows every time there is an act of vulnerability,” Kathy says. “It’s amazing to see the connections that come from when we are vulnerable.”

Kathy described countless experiences with fostering vulnerability in groups, but I’m sure we’ve all seen examples in our own lives. When one person in a group is willing to share a personal story, it almost always opens the door for others to do the same. This sharing helps create enormous trust among a group.

This trust will benefit any group you lead, whether it’s for a team, office, or organization. Our focus frequently gets lost on the numbers or reports, when we should direct it on collaboration and community.

“Successful organizations need vulnerable leadership,” Kathy says. “It’s about environment and the people. In the end, that’s what will contribute to the bottom line. Care and vulnerability will make you more successful in the long run.”

How can leaders shift their focus from reports to people? Fortunately, Kathy helped inspire six tips for vulnerable leadership.

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6 Tips on How to Be Be a More Vulnerable Leader

Being a more vulnerable leader requires courage. It also doesn’t happen overnight. However, the more you practice vulnerability and follow these tips, the easier it will be to embody vulnerable leadership.

1. Admit your shortcomings and imperfections.

Contrary to popular belief, leaders aren’t perfect, nor should they pretend to be. Perfection-demanding cultures hinder trust, creativity, connection, and growth. When vulnerable leaders allow themselves to admit their shortcomings and imperfections, they create an environment that accepts mistakes as inspiration for growth. They also inspire opportunities for openness and connection (rather than secrecy and shame).

2. Respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Vulnerable leaders are willing to accept challenging ideas as a positive opportunity for growth. Rather than get defensive, they can respond with curiosity and a willingness to lean into the conversation. Kathy calls this a having a “learner mindset” instead of a “knower mindset.” Maintaining a learner mindset will not only help foster richer dialogue and a deeper understanding, but it will help model curiosity for others.

3. Ask for honest feedback.

How often do you create opportunities for honest, genuine feedback? It’s incredibly vulnerable to give and receive feedback, so many of us avoid doing it. However, it’s only through feedback that we can improve and work to achieve the best results. And it’s only through vulnerable leadership that trusting environments for feedback can be created. By asking for feedback, leaders are showing the importance of asking – and implementing – feedback.

4. Be willing to throw out the plan.

Most of us like to be prepared. After all, preparation helps create a sense of control. Leaders are often in charge of this preparation, whether large-scale (such as a company plan) or small-scale (such as a meeting agenda). Life doesn’t always go as planned, however, and vulnerable leaders understand this. Vulnerable leadership means being willing to throw out plans if something more pressing or important comes up, even if it invites greater uncertainty.

5. Share who you are as a person.

Individuals don’t lose their humanity when they become leaders, yet we often dismiss leaders as people once promoted. To create unified communities, people must be willing to present their authentic selves. The more leaders share who they are, the more their actions encourage others to do the same. According to Kathy, “Every time leaders have the courage to put down their armor, rich conversations and learning follow every single time.”

6. Don’t wait for trust to be vulnerable (because it will never come)

Many of us refrain from being vulnerable under the guise that we’re waiting for more trust to be established. This perspective, however, hinders vulnerability. Building trust and vulnerability is a cycle, but being vulnerable must come first to help build greater trust. Vulnerable leaders understand that trust is established by creating opportunities for vulnerability.

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Putting Vulnerability as a Leader into Practice

When I started as a young teacher, I thought it was important to establish myself as the authority figure. I refrained from joking with my students, and I tried to hide any mistakes I made. Rarely did I give them a voice, and when I did, I defended my actions against their feedback.

Since then, I’ve learned how ineffective my initial strategies were. How could I teach the benefits of mistakes if I didn’t do so for myself? What example did I set when I became defensives rather than curious?

Now, I embody vulnerability. I readily ask for feedback and take ownership when my work falls short. In doing so, I hope my students realize that they should too.

It wasn’t an easy transition. I still experienced my fair share of vulnerability hangovers and fearful coping mechanisms. But in the end, it was worth it.

Vulnerable leadership is not reserved for top CEOs and consulting firms. Many of us occupy the role of a leader in our jobs, family, and social groups. Whatever it is we’re trying to achieve, being vulnerable will help us get there.

Top Books on Vulnerability: Brené Brown Quotes and Books

Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brené Brown

A groundbreaking book on how to be a vulnerable leader and why it’s critical for success. In this NY Times Bestseller, Brené Brown in fighting against our current culture and answering the question: How do you cultivate braver, more daring leaders, and how do you embed the value of courage in your culture? Packed with stories, research, and interviews, this book is not only informative, but incredibly engaging.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

A book that will change your thinking about how you live, love, and interact with others in our society. Brown dives into the cultural expectations that we face, as well as the emotions that hold us back from finding true joy. In the book, she writes, “When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.”

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown

A book that will transform the way you think about belonging, vulnerability, and courage. Brown writes, “True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. In a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet…But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity.”

Conclusion: Vulnerable Leadership

Vulnerable leadership is something that we should all strive for. Being a vulnerable leader means having the courage and confidence to take risks, share our imperfections, and open ourselves up to growth.

Being vulnerable as a leader contradicts many of our cultural assumptions. However, the benefits of vulnerability are worth challenging these myths. Vulnerability is necessary for successful, visionary organizations.

If you want to embody vulnerable leadership, you can follow the six tips:

1. Admit your shortcomings and inexperience
2. Respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness
3. Ask for honest feedback
4. Be willing to throw out the plan
5. Share who you are as a person
6. Don’t wait for perfect trust to be vulnerable (because it will never come)

Want to start your journey to being a vulnerable leader? Learn how to be self-aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as your impact on others. Until you understand yourself, you can’t fully commit to the six steps above. Check out my brand new, affordable course below – you won’t regret it!

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A little more about Kathy Bell-Tonic

I found Kathy Bell-Tonic through her work as a Dare to Lead facilitator with Brené Brown. When I reached out to interview her about vulnerability, she graciously agreed to talk with me on the phone.

Since that training, Kathy has been even more motivated to spread vulnerability to leaders and organizations. She has prioritized vulnerability in her leadership, as well as her workshops and coaching for other leaders. Kathy founded the leadership consulting firm the 262 Group in 2006, and she continues to work with a broad range of clients and groups.

Additionally, Kathy continues to embody vulnerability by trying new things. She has run eight marathons, lived in Rome for a year, acted in theater, and raised nearly $100,000 in charity, among other pursuits. You can read more about her and her organization at 262group.com.

Kathy’s work shows us how valuable – and essential – being vulnerable is in successful leadership.

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Why Self-Love is Important for Growth: Mindset Medicine

When I think of growth, I often imagine pushing myself beyond my current limits. And when I imagine pushing myself, my mind adopts a less-than-kind internal voice yelling at me to keep going. 

“You’re thinking about stopping? Come on, you’re better than this!” this inner critical voice says. But it’s not in a “you’re so great!” positive tone. Instead, it carries an air of judgment.

Essentially, it laments me for not being good enough unless I do something.

Does this sound familiar? Many of us attach self-worth to our growth and achievements. Therefore, when we fall short, we feel all types of shame and guilt. Not to mention the fear that comes with this mindset; what if we fail? What then?

Unfortunately, our society has perpetuated this mindset for decades. Our bosses tried to terrify us into action; our coaches tried to shame us into motivation. And don’t even get us started on our parents… 

All of these examples have something in common. They’re all wrong.

Everything we know–ranging from researched studies to lived experiences–teaches us that shame and fear as a means for growth is far from the most effective method.

Self-love, on the other hand, has the power to transform us.

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Why Self-Love is Important for Growth

I want you to think of your most proud accomplishments in life. How many of them came in the context of fear and shame? And I’m not talking about nervousness. I’m talking about the mindset that if you fail, you’ll be worthless (or perhaps not in those exact words, but same general vibe).

I’d wager to guess that not many did. Instead, your biggest moments of growth probably came when you felt supported in your pursuits and confident that you could keep going. This confidence allowed you to manage your complicated emotions better and persevere to what you really wanted.

This concept is amplified when it comes to inner work and issues of identity. We’re so terrified of rejection, we often get stuck in cycles of shame. We avoid vulnerability because, well, it feels too vulnerable (not to mention the vulnerability hangovers that come with it).  But we need to be vulnerable if we want to grow.

That’s why self-love is important for growth. By learning to adopt a mindset of self-love, we can be compassionate to ourselves in moments of vulnerability. Better yet, we begin to understand that we can survive setbacks, because our worthiness isn’t dependent on the outcome.

You are inherently worth just because of who you are, right now, in this moment. 

Let me say that again. You are inherently worth just because of who you are, right now, in this moment. 

Now you just need to adopt the mindset of self-love to believe it.

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What is Self-Love, and the Relationship Between Self-Love and Growth

Self-love is an overall acceptance of who you are. It’s the belief that who you are now is worthy of love and compassion. It requires you to treat yourself with respect and kindness. It also means that you appreciate your flaws, differences, and moments of vulnerability because they make you who you are. 

Being self-aware is so important for self-love because self-awareness helps you better understand and appreciate yourself.

You might wonder, If I love who I am right now, then wouldn’t that hinder my desire to grow and change?

Quite the contrary! Self-love isn’t saying that you’re perfect and never need to change. Instead, it’s appreciating your present self in the context of always growing.

We’re continuously evolving in terms of our life situations, values, and wants. And, lucky for us, some of our human tendencies that make our lives difficult (i.e. emotions) will never go away. But self-love is important for growth because it can serve as the constant in our evolution of change.

I didn’t always realize this. Reading the book Mindset Medicine by Mari L. McCarthy helped me better understand the value of self-love–a transformation I want to share with you now.

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How the book Mindset Medicine Taught Me About Why Self-Love is Important for Growth

I’ve written a blog about self-awareness and vulnerability for over two years. Before that, I’ve spent the better part of my adult life chasing self-discovery prompts. I love diving into introspective questions, and I believe firmly in the transformative power of this work.

Yet it wasn’t until I read Mindset Medicine by Mari L. McCarthy that I realized I had been neglecting a key player in the game. Something both obvious and severely overlooked by our society.

I’ve ignored the necessity of self-love.

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Our Reaction to Self-Love

If you’re like me, it took you a while to learn how to be open with your emotions. Trust doesn’t come easy, and any self-expression feels better locked up somewhere. 

Ironically, I don’t mind exploring my emotions privately. Hundreds of journal pages prove that I enjoy the internal pursuit of my feelings and thoughts. My creative work centers around the promotion of self-awareness. Therefore, my journey to be more self-aware led me to understand my own vulnerabilities and challenges opening up to others.

What I didn’t realize was how much trouble I had opening up to myself.

Mindset Medicine doesn’t just mention self-love. It helped me understand that self-love is at the foundation of our self-work. One of the journaling prompts even instructs you to write, “I love myself,” and then say it to yourself out loud.

How silly, my default mindset said when I reached the prompt. Until I had trouble writing the words, let alone saying them aloud. In this precise moment, when my stomach knotted and my shoulders tensed up, I knew just how important this work was.

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Poisonous Influences on Our Mindset (and Why Self-Love is so Important)

Mari’s first book, Journaling Power, helped me acknowledge the deeply-ingrained messages that plagued me from my childhood. My perfectionism, competitiveness, and need for productivity still impact me on a daily basis (just to name a few).

In Mindset Medicine, Mari expands on other cultural influences that impact our perceptions. To me, it wasn’t a shock to read how media, technology, and social media all affect our perceptions. Nor did I find it surprising when the book talked about how much cultural norms become internalized.

The way in which Mari explained the impact of these influences, however, taught me something I didn’t expect. Before reading her book, I viewed these cultural influences as something to fight. You know, imagine grabbing some weapons and heading to battle. 

Now, I understand that it’s less about an armed attack and more about a strong fort. I don’t need to armor up and run toward these harmful messages. Instead, I merely need to build up a fortified foundation of self-love, and subsequently, self-respect. 

If you think about the differences between these two metaphors, it becomes clear. The former requires quite a bit of energy and potential harm. The latter? Well, the latter allows you the time and space to grow, explore, and seek all that you may want.

Which leads to the next big lesson Mindset Medicine gave me: wanting.

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The Excitement of Wanting

As a female, I’ve been conditioned to put my wants and needs behind those of others (and fortunately, this is changing in our society – but slowly). Still, I think all genders can identify the inherent shame that comes from wanting something, and the whispers of “I don’t deserve this.”

One of my biggest takeaways from reading Mindset Medicine was changing my outlook on wanting. Mari showed me that wanting can be exciting, not guilt-ridden or “selfish.” She encourages everyone to “remember the joy of wanting that came naturally to you as a child.”

Too often, I hide my wants behind action-item goals. These desires quickly become cloaked in “should’s” and societal expectations. Even when I started my blog, I struggled to find the balance between what I wanted and what I felt I should achieve – a conflict I’ve faced throughout my life.

Mindset Medicine gave a very simple formula for wanting:

Self-love + WANTING = Excitement

Mari writes, “when you give yourself permission simply to WANT something, feelings of being unworthy or undeserving of it will simply melt away.” In doing so, we create more space for joy and excitement.

As I read this quote, I thought back to my difficulty in writing, “I love myself.” It didn’t take me long to realize why my math didn’t quite add up in this life-changing equation.

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Questions to Get You There

All of these life lessons would be enough to have an impact on me. However, Mindset Medicine goes further than merely teaching its readers. It guides you to undertake this “self-love revolution” – and Mari leads you with a devotion and tenacity that makes you excited to do the work.

One of my main beliefs is that it’s not my job to give someone else answers. Individuals must discover them for themselves. For this reason, I named my blog My Question Life (and it’s filled with questions for the readers to find their own answers).

Had Mindset Medicine told me what to think or how to feel, I might’ve been less excited about it. However, Mari understands this crucial philosophy – and she puts it into action. Her book is filled with questions and journaling prompts that helped me discover what I wanted to do.

In fact, one of her resounding ideals is that “should” has no place in self-discovery. Instead, we can all develop a “could” mindset filled with self-driven possibility. Mindset Medicine guided me to unlock some of the possibilities I want in my life. And through my own discoveries, I begin to learn how I can create them.

My favorite line of questioning, though, comes later in the book. While Mari gives example questions, she encourages you to create your own list of self-empowering questions. Not only was the exercise eye-opening in itself; it gave me questions to go back to whenever I need a boost of inspiration or reminder to focus on self-love.

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Conclusion: Why Self-Love is Important for Growth in Mindset Medicine

You can read Mindset Medicine and take away a few powerful ideas. Or you can journey through Mindset Medicine – taking time to consider and answer the journaling prompts – and completely transform your outlook on why self-love is important for growth.

If you follow the guide of Mindset Medicine and do the inner work, you will experience a positive mindset shift. You’ll also develop skills and tools to continue the work (as self-awareness is a never-ending process).

What’s more, you’ll begin to build your fortified foundation of self-love. I know I did.

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Mari L. McCarthy, Founder and CEO – Chief Empowerment Officer of CreateWriteNow.com, teaches curious health-conscious action-takers how to use Journaling For The Health Of It®️ to heal the emotional, creative, physical, and spiritual issues in their tissues. She also shows them how to use this powerful personal transformation tool to know, grow and share their True Self. Mari is the multi award-winning author of Journaling Power: How To Create The Happy, Healthy Life You Want To Live, Heal Your Self With Journaling Power and Mindset Medicine: A Journaling Power Self-Love Book. She’s also created 20+ Journaling For The Health Of It® Self-Management 101 Workbooks including Who Am I?, Take Control Of Your Health! and Start Journaling For The Health Of It® Write Now. Find out more about Mari by visiting her website CreateWriteNow.com, or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or YouTube.

You can also find Mindset Medicine on Amazon and goodreads.

Learn how to teach self-awareness to students and why it’s so important. 

The list of things a teacher must teach their students is long. And it probably feels like it just keeps growing at an impossibly fast pace. However, one thing should be added to every teacher’s list because it will help both them and their students in nearly every aspect of learning.

Teaching self-awareness to students is a game-changer.

If you’ve made it to this article, then you probably already know that teaching self-awareness is something worth learning about. Still, it’s helpful to understand just how beneficial self-awareness is for students. Let’s dive into what self-awareness is, why it’s important, and how to teach self-awareness to students.

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What is Self-Awareness for Students?

Self-awareness is one’s ability to identify and understand their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. These three main categories, while seemingly simple, encompass every aspect of our lives; being self-aware extends from our goals to our relationships to our learning process. 

Self-awareness also includes understanding how we think about ourselves. Our mindset becomes so entwined from an early age that we often don’t question it. However, we must unravel this knot to best improve our self-talk and limiting beliefs. These elements drastically affect our ability to learn new things, so teaching self-awareness to students is crucial.

Self-aware students will be able to better:

• Label their emotions in the moment
• Connect their actions with their feelings
• Recognize the patterns (good and bad) that they fall into
• Understand their strengths and areas of improvement
• Identify how their mindset affects their actions
• Implement reflection on a regular basis

Many schools use the term Social-Emotional Learning to teach emotional intelligence. Countless studies have proven how beneficial Social-Emotional Learning is in the classroom, and self-awareness fits well under this umbrella label. It’s crucial to understand, though, that self-awareness is also an umbrella in itself–and one that extends to every corner of our learning and lives.

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Why is Self-Awareness So Important?

By this point, it should be no surprise that teaching self-awareness isn’t just for students. We all benefit from being more self-aware. It’s linked with greater happiness, stronger relationships, more success, and overall more purpose-driven lives. Being self-aware also helps us understand what we can and can’t control. It also helps us understand and improve our self-concept.

The problem is that achieving self-awareness is super difficult.

Why? Because our human nature is working against us. We’re dealing with outdated brain functions and survival instincts rooted in ancient times. As a result, we often become caught up in defensive emotions and biases that prevent us from being self-aware.

What’s more, learning how to be self-aware isn’t a one-time thing. You can’t check “Self-Awareness” off your to-do list. It’s something you must continually come back to as you grow and evolve in life. (That said, you can certainly strengthen and build your foundation of self-awareness skills.)

Teaching self-awareness to students is critical because as we get older, we begin to further solidify our mindsets and behaviors without realizing it. By the time we’re adults, we’ve got to work hard to change and let go of decades’ worth of patterns. 

On the other hand, students are still developing their brains and routines. While they may have more limited maturity, they also have more limited experiences to muck through while searching for the truth.  Activities can go a long way in setting them on the right path.

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Why You Should Teach Self-Awareness to Students and Yourself

Teaching self-awareness to students will help them in the present and the future. As they develop their self-awareness skills, they’ll be able to identify and communicate their needs more to others. Think of self-awareness as an empowerment tool; once kids know what they want to say, they can practice expressing it.

Teaching self-awareness also gives them tools to utilize in other areas of their learning. They can recognize what works for them, what challenges them, and what actions will help them get to where they want to know.

If this list sounds overstated, it’s not. Once again, these benefits span from kindergarteners to 65-year-old leaders. We all can benefit from being more self-aware–teachers included. Being able to model self-awareness to your students is one of the many ways you can begin to teach it in your classroom. 

Without further ado, let’s dive into five strategies that you can use to teach self-awareness to students.

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5 Strategies to Teach Self-Awareness to Students

1. Build your students’ knowledge and practice with emotional language

One of the biggest obstacles to self-awareness is our feelings. Emotions change, combine, build, flip, switch, take over; they’re pretty much in constant emotion, starting for unknown reasons and moving in unknown directions. At least, unknown at the beginning. This continuous fluctuation will always make it challenging to identify them. (And we can’t really manage them. Not entirely, anyway). Another challenge is that many of us have a minimal emotional vocabulary. We struggle to identify our emotions because we don’t know how to label them accurately.

Sometimes younger kids are better than adults because, unlike adults, they don’t try to intellectualize their feelings or put them under the catch-all label of, “I’m feeling stressed.” Still, most people only use 3-5 emotional words regularly. When teaching self-awareness to students, you want to equip them with a wide range of emotional words. Just like you’d give students a foundation of science terms or math multiplication tables, giving them an emotional vocab will expand their ability to learn more about themselves.

You also will want to implement practice with these words. When have they experienced this emotion? What did it feel like in their bodies? What did they do as a result?

Resources:

• Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Connection and Language of the Human Experience by Brenê Brown

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2. Implement regular self-reflection into your classroom

The concept of reflection is far from new for teachers. We know that thinking about our thinking is where the real learning happens; reflection makes knowledge stick. The same is true when it comes to self-awareness. If you implement regular self-reflection in your classroom, students will begin to build their self-awareness muscles.

Teaching self-awareness through reflection doesn’t require significant changes. You can use very common practices to make it part of your everyday teaching. One way is to encourage moments of self-reflection through journaling or discussions. Use open-ended prompts and encourage students to respond with statements about what they think, feel, or believe.

Second, you can incorporate more questions into your reflections and assignments that focus on the students’ personal experiences. These questions might include:

• What did you do well with this project?
• What emotions did you experience during this project? How did you handle these emotions?
• What attitude did you adopt? How did your attitude change throughout the experience?
• What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about what you need to feel most successful?

The students might have difficulty answering these questions at first, but the more they do them, the easier they’ll become. You can also change up the questions specific to what you’re doing. Soon, teaching self-awareness to students won’t feel like a separate lesson; it’ll become a part of it.

Want inspiration for reflection questions? Check out my questions series.

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3. Incorporate self-awareness activities daily

While reflection can seamlessly incorporate self-awareness into curriculum learning, it’s still beneficial to teach self-awareness as its own subject, as well. You can draw from several different emotional intelligence activities when you want to do this. This list of 20 Self-Awareness Activities will give you a great place to start. 

The best part of self-awareness is that it applies to everyone of every age. You might want to adopt some elements of these activities based on the age of your students, but everyone will still benefit from working with these activities.

You can decide how to incorporate these activities into your schedule. Perhaps it’s a daily ritual, a weekly “Self-Awareness” corner, or a focused series of activities. Whatever you choose, make sure to explain to your students why it’s so important so they invest.

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4. Celebrate self-awareness as much as other measures

Even the most challenging students want to do well with what’s being asked of them. The problem is most of our measurements focus solely on grades and core subjects (and don’t even get me started on standardized testing). As you teach self-awareness to your students, find ways to celebrate it as much as possible. The students will value what you value if you show them how.

If a student makes a good reflection, praise them for their insightfulness. Highlight meaningful “aha” moments that students experience. Celebrate the improvements that students make as they learn to be more self-aware, use emotional language, and recognize their behaviors.  

Finally, try to connect the positive benefits that come from self-awareness. If a student identifies the pattern she falls into when she’s angry and then changes it, make sure to emphasize that it was her self-awareness that helped her make the positive change. 

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5. Model self-awareness and vulnerability to your students

As you celebrate self-awareness to your students, you also want to model it. I don’t need to tell you that children are perceptive sponges; you already know that. They’ll pick up on it if you preach self-awareness but don’t practice it.

Find ways to share your moments of reflection and realizations with your students. Help them see where you connected your emotions and thoughts to your behaviors. Many teachers shy away from these invaluable sharings because it feels vulnerable; however, vulnerability is crucial in becoming more self-aware. Plus, there are countless ways to model self-awareness without sharing private information. 

Finally, by engaging in self-awareness activities with your students, you’re showing them that it’s a life-long process. This will help reinforce that learning how to be self-aware is a valuable, ever-evolving skill that requires time and attention.

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Make Sure to Teach Self-Awareness to Students as Ever-Evolving

The beauty (and frustrating) part of self-awareness is that we’re never done. What we might have believed last week could change tomorrow. Our values and beliefs change as we grow older, engage with new relationships, and encounter new life circumstances.

Adults who didn’t learn how to be self-aware when they were young have a really tough time with these changes as they get older. When faced with self-perceptions around identity, we have a challenging time letting go. This is just another reason why it’s vital to teach students self-awareness. They can learn and experience that change is okay–or, even better, valuable to their overall happiness.

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Conclusion: How to Teach Self-Awareness to Students

Five strategies for teaching self-awareness to students are:

1. Build your students’ knowledge and practice with emotional language
2. Implement regular self-reflection into your classroom
3. Incorporate self-awareness activities daily
4. Celebrate self-awareness as much as other measures
5. Model self-awareness and vulnerability to your students

Remember, developing your own self-awareness as an individual is just as important as teaching self-awareness to students. For more helpful resources, check out the list of articles below. You can also subscribe with your email to receive an engaging How to Be Self-Aware EBook that is loaded with self-awareness activities, tips, and questions.

What self-awareness is and if you’re lacking it

• How Self-Aware Are You? Free Self-Awareness Test
• 6 Examples of Self-Awareness in Everyday Life
• Why Self-Awareness Is Important: Recognize What You Can Control

How to be vulnerable and embrace your inner truth

• How to Find Direction in Life If You’re Feeling Lost
• Why Feeling Awkward Might Be Your Superpower
• How to Be True to Yourself: The Hidden Truth We Need to Embrace

Questions to help you on your self-discovery journey

• 22 Questions for Self-Discovery
• 60 Hard Questions to Ask Yourself
• Asking the Right Questions to Help You Better Understand Yourself

The only advice column that gives you more questions than answers.

Hi Kara, 

Nice to meet you.I don’t know if you really expected a response when you asked those questions within this email, or if you will reply, but here goes nothing. My Name is Ellie and I’m a 35-year-old single mom from a small Island republic in the Caribbean.

I was reading a blog article you wrote last night because I have been on a journey of self discovery, healing and self awareness in the last few years (self awareness being a recent skill I discovered or rather understood in 2021) and as I continue to grow and develop, sometimes I google random things for a better understanding.

I saved your article “How to Be True to Yourself: The Hidden Truth We Need to Embrace” on December 15th when I did a google search on authenticity. Authenticity has become a big part of my life of late because for many years I lived outside of who I felt I was because I was never comfortable being myself and I wanted everyone to believe I had it all together. I came back to it last night, (to read) because I have been trying to get some personal goals underway that requires me to be attuned to some things about me. In reading the article I went through at the end and clicked every live link their was available, because the content was intriguing, and as one of my goals is to read 15-30 minutes daily for my own personal development, I found these to be a perfect fit. 

I struggle with the fear of failing the most. It has inhibited me from even trying and has scared me into a life of settling. The fear of not being universally accepted or successful on the first try mortifies me. I think people will laugh at me when I fail because I believe myself to be intelligent and others have told me the same. I grew up hearing about how bright and brilliant I was and yet I live a very limited life because I like to operate in my comfort zone as a mechanism to avoid failure. I’m so ashamed of being thought of as a failure or unintelligent, I don’t even attempt anything because… what if I fail and people figure out I’m not smart?

I would want you to tell me if I would succeed at anything in the end, if I would ever overcome this fear and realize my true potential.

I have been physically separated from my soon to be ex-husband for the past two years , January will make it 2 full years of physical separation and we have our first court hearing soon. I am in the process of using my voice (this is what I feel gives me the most purpose) to start a podcast and tell my story as I believe this is what I’m being called to do. This podcast has been a long time in the making, but again, the fear of failing and what others think has crippled me. I just have a name and introduction for now, I know what I want it to be about, however, I haven’t begun recording yet, because I don’t know what I want to say or how to start my story… This is why I have been seeking to learn more about myself so I can feel the most comfortable sharing my story with others.

What am I so ashamed of?

Hi Ellie,

First and foremost, that you for showing the courage to share your thoughts and story with me. Voicing our fears to other people – even through email – is sometimes the bravest thing we can do. I’m sorry my reply is so delayed; I know this advice is coming after your first court hearing, but I can just wishfully hope that the timing is fortuitous with what you need to hear right now.

People constantly commented on how thin I was when I was growing up. I heard You’re so skinny! You need to eat more; you’re so thin. It looks like your arms could snap in half. (Whenever I reflect on the last one, I’m always startled a bit by its violent nature). They weren’t lying; I was naturally thin and athletic. But I didn’t realize how deep their words sunk in until I was fresh out of college, extremely vulnerable with who I would be in this next stage of my life, and–to my horror–ten pounds heavier than I’d ever been before.

Ten pounds sounds minuscule, but the number didn’t matter as much as my perception of what that number meant. If I wasn’t thin, what was I? Who was I? 

It wasn’t until several years later, after a stretch of highly disordered eating I didn’t even realize, that I began to unpack what happened in therapy. At some point along my childhood, I adopted “being thin” as a pivotal piece of my identity. And, subsequently, as a defining characteristic of my self-worth. 

People innocently throw words at us when we’re children; we don’t realize how dangerous they become in building our self-perception.

Words like “thin” and “intelligent,” even intended as compliments, build into labels that box us into who we think we need to be. Eventually, we take others’ words and make them our own labels. And then, ironically, look back to others to judge if we’re meeting these labels. The more you focus on it as a defining characteristic, the smaller the box becomes.

Unfortunately, the smaller our life becomes, as well.

It’s terrifying to confront the truth that we might not be the person we thought we should be. Shame and fear threaten to consume us.

You might be surprised by this, Ellie, but I think in this area you might be a step further than you think. You admit that “for many years I lived outside of who I felt I was.” You understand that who you are is different from how you’re trying to allow other people to see you. Brava! Many people are stuck in the box without realizing they’re in a box. You’ve knowingly labeled your metaphorical box “Intelligent person who doesn’t fail,” and you’re just choosing to camp inside it still. 

Popping open those box lids and facing rejection is terrifying. Because, as you rightly acknowledge, it taps into our innate need for belonging. As you say, the fear of “not being universally accepted.” 

But here’s the thing about the science-proven fear. Yes, in evolutionary times, social belonging necessitated survival. But–and I think this will be an important distinction for you as well–this social belonging was not universal. Humans relied on their small communities to coexist with; therefore, they had to be accepted in these groups.

We don’t need to be accepted universally by everyone.

Who is your group? Who do you trust to care enough about what they think of you? How can you begin to tap into their opinions more, and in doing so, begin to dissipate this imagined “everyone out here” opinion of you? 

I imagine your child will be one of those people that you care about what they think. I’d also bet that you wouldn’t wish many of your own struggles with authenticity, shame, and fear on them. But here’s the thing about kids–they’re perceptive little buggers. You can tell them until you’re blue in the face about how to live a courageous life, but what will be more powerful is for you to show them a model for the life you want to live. Not a perfect, failure-free model (they’ll see through that, too). A true one: messy, flawed, trying and failing, and growing every step of the way. 

You litter your email with self-aware, insightful questions. You’re so far ahead of many people in this regard, Ellie, that you should feel proud of all the inner work and reflection you’ve done. 

• What if I fail and people figure out I’m not smart?
• What if I attempt a podcast and it fails?
• What if people judge me for making a podcast? (Or doing anything else in my life, for that matter?)

But you’re missing the final step: answering them. I want you to sit down with a pen and paper and actually answer these questions. Go into detail. Put it all on the paper. And while I can’t speak to the specifics, I can assure you of three things:

• You will survive.
• You will step further out of the box and into who you are.
• You will begin to reshape your definition of failure, success, and intelligence.

This might sound harsh, Ellie, and I hope it doesn’t come across as such. Intelligence is not hiding your true self, living in a box, and knowing a better way but letting fear hold you back. Intelligence is redefining failure for yourself and for others. It’s realizing that to fail is to grow–which really is to succeed. It’s understanding that a fearful life is a boring one, shame is not insurmountable, and it’s never too late to step into your own light. 

Disregard what unimportant people say about you (and hell, some of them probably already talk about you, anyway). Redefine what you think an intelligent life looks like. Practice failing at small things and feeling awkward, everyday, just to prove to yourself that you can survive it. 

And, because there’s a story inside of you screaming to get out, do the podcast. Even if nobody listens, and you don’t get it perfect, and you meander your way through personal stories in a way that’s tough to follow. Do it because vulnerability and authenticity are the most empowering things that resonate with others. Do it because you want to, and that’s enough.

None of this is easy, mind you. Precisely for this reason, it’s crucially important. 

But you already know all of this. Because you’re writing the email, doing the research, and asking all the right questions. Questions like, What would happen if I’m not afraid of failure?

Now all you need to do is answer them. 

And when you feel those powerful clutches of fear and shame trying to hold you back, just tell yourself, “If I fail at this, it’ll make great content for my next podcast.”

Warmly,

Kara

Self-Awareness Questions to Help You Face Your Fears:

• How do you define failure? How might your definition be wrong?
• What successful people do you know who have failed? Intelligent people who have failed?
• What podcasts or books do you resonate with the most? What makes them so impactful for you?
• What would your life be like if you tried more things? What will it be like if you try more things moving forward?
• Who is your group of trusted confidants?
• What will happen if people think you’re not smart?
• What do you want for your child? How can you model that?
• What mantras can you tell yourself to ease your fear or shame?
• How might your podcast help someone else live their truth? How would that make you feel?

And of course, your questions:

• What if I fail and people figure out I’m not smart?
• What if I attempt a podcast and it fails?
• What if people judge me for making a podcast? (Or doing anything else in my life, for that matter?)

Related blog posts to read on vulnerability, overcoming fears, and self-awareness:

• Fear of Vulnerability: How to Fight Fear for a Meaningful Life
• How to Face your Fears: 7 Steps to Face Your Fears
• Why Feeling Awkward Might Be Your Superpower
• How to Be Vulnerable in your Life
• How to Get Comfortable Feeling Uncomfortable: Lean Into Discomfort

Want some of your own Questionable Advice? Send me an email or check out my FAQ on what Questionable Advice is (and why you should do it).

I’m limited by my own experiences and perspective, which is why I always feel the weight of giving advice (even if it’s questionable!) to other people. However, I want to channel this vulnerability into growth. If you think I made a mistake, believe I overstepped, or have a suggestion for a better response, please let me know. You can send me an email with the Questionable Advice post title in the subject line. I appreciate the chance to learn and grow!

What are self-awareness skills? How to improve your self-awareness skills (and why self-awareness is important)

I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent listening to people teach me different skills. From elementary school, to college, to internships, to multiple jobs, my life hasn’t been short of “skills training”–and I know I’m not alone in this. Our culture emphasizes the importance of learning important skills.

And these skills, no matter how varied or specific, are important; especially when placed under the broader context of developing our critical thinking.

Yet throughout all of these educational moments, a crucial skill set often gets overlooked. We rarely teach, learn, or talk about when we need to turn this critical thinking inward.

It’s time to be a student of self-awareness skills. 

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What are self-awareness skills? Three main elements of self-awareness

In a nutshell, self-awareness is our ability to recognize and identify three main elements:

1. What we’re feeling
2. What we’re thinking
3. What we’re doing

If your self-awareness skills are sharp, you can recognize these self-awareness elements at any point. Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately, it’s much more complicated than we think – starting with the fact that we believe our self-awareness skills are stronger than they are. Studies prove that 90% of people believe they are self-aware, but only 10-15% actually are.

Here’s an example. For one experiment, people went about their typical day, and a timer would go off at random times. When they heard the alarm, they checked in with themselves. Did they know what they were doing? Could they name how they were feeling? What led them to this moment?

More often than not, they couldn’t always answer – especially the last question.

It wasn’t necessarily their fault. We’ve got a lot working against us when it comes to being self-aware. Our emotions and biases stem from evolutionary tendencies dating millions of years ago. We’re incredibly reactive to the environment and people around us, often without active decision-making. Throw in some culturally-instilled beliefs and childhood-rooted coping mechanisms, and BAM – you’ve got yourself a healthy mix of obstacles to overcome.

Want to see how self-aware you are? Take my free self-awareness test.

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Why Self-Awareness Skills are so Important

Now that you know a bit about why self-awareness is so challenging, let’s talk about why it’s so important. Being self-aware allows you to reclaim control over these obstacles getting in your way. You can be more in touch with yourself in everyday life, which builds to you living more intentionally overall.

The list of benefits for having self-awareness skills is endless, but a few highlights include:

• Improved happiness
• Stronger relationships
• Greater success
• Better physical and emotional health
• More purposeful living

This list shouldn’t be surprising. The more self-aware you are, the more purpose you can bring into your life decisions and relationships. You can start to live by your own definitions of self-worth and meaning, rather than getting trapped by what other people say or what we think society wants from us.

But how do you become more self-aware to achieve these life-changing benefits?

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Learning Like a Student: Self-Awareness Skills for Students

Learning self-awareness skills isn’t all that different from learning any new skill, just like you would if you were a student. The problem is that we don’t view ourselves as students because the “lesson” is, well, ourselves. You’re the teacher and you’re the student, the questions and answers, and the lesson and objective. (Yikes, that hurts my brain thinking about it.)

However, the sooner you can adopt a student-learning-a-new-skill mindset, the sooner you’ll develop your self-awareness. As you read through each skill below, think of it as a new learning objective for yourself. You’ve got to intake the information, practice the skill, and continually develop it in more demanding situations.

I’ve also included some personal examples for each to help explain what each skill can look like.

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6 Self-Awareness Skills You Need to Find Success

1. Name what you’re doing at any given moment

Sure, most of us can list the big actions that we took in a day. However, things become less precise when we’re asked to identify the moment-to-moment behaviors. Often, our bodies react to things without us even consciously deciding it.

By developing your ability to name what you’re doing, you can learn what prompted the behavior. From there, you can start to use your behaviors as important signals to how you’re feeling overall. You’ll also begin to notice patterns that you never realized before. This information will not only help you better understand what’s happening, but it’ll also help you make wiser decisions moving forward.

Self-awareness skill example: When I tend to feel uncertain or anxious, I seek control in other aspects of my life. Sometimes, I find myself cleaning more obsessively than usual. In the past, I wouldn’t question it. Now I know that if my behaviors become more obsessive, it usually indicates that something else is bothering me.

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2. Name how you’re feeling at any given moment.

Naming your behaviors comes before naming your emotions for a reason. Our emotions are incredibly complicated and complex. They change, morph, merge, twist, and whatever other verb you want to throw into the list. That’s why recognizing our behaviors can be a good clue into the more elusive target: recognizing our feelings.

Developing this self-awareness skill will take practice. It’ll also take a level of vulnerability, because we’ve got to be honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling. Many of us try to hide our emotions behind dressed-up language or incorrect labels. We’ve got to seek greater clarity when naming our emotions daily. From there, we can begin to work on the underlying emotional patterns and fears that hold us back.

Self-awareness skill example: The number of times I say, “I’m stressed” is astronomical. Yet the word “stress” isn’t even an emotion; instead, it sidesteps the genuine emotions I’m feeling. As I improved this self-awareness skill, I became better at giving more accurate and insightful labels to my feelings. For example, I can trace my stress to a fear of failure and how that might affect me.

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3. Understand your emotional triggers

Once you can recognize your emotions at the moment, you can begin to recognize your emotional patterns. Many of us get caught in negative cycles. We repeat the same mistakes over and over again, even though they don’t help us. This is because we’re not aware of what is triggering our reactions.

By understanding what triggers certain emotions, you can gain clarity on what you might need. You can also be more proactive with your reactions if you know something affects you strongly.

Self-awareness skill example: I used to get in fights with my husband all of the time because of something he did. I got angry, lashed out, and found myself stewing for days about what was said. Yet, despite all the outbursts, I never really identified what I was actually feeling. Over time, I began to identify my fear of vulnerability that was hidden behind anger. I not only recognized my own, deeper issues, but I also was able to better articulate them to my partner.

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4. List your strengths and shortcomings in context 

Many of us have done some activity that required us to list our strengths and shortcomings. However, developing this self-awareness skill goes a bit deeper. You also want to understand where and how your strengths and weaknesses affect your actions. By understanding the context, you can recognize what you need to do to best utilize your abilities based on your goals and values. You also can be smarter about creating your goals and setting yourself up for success to achieve your goals.

Strengths and weaknesses are not fixed traits (even though we sometimes act like they are). Your abilities will evolve as you do. They’ll also affect you differently in different situations and environments. Therefore, you should always check-in and work on developing this self-awareness skill.

Self-awareness skill example: I’m good at completing tasks and working efficiently. At one point, I would’ve confidently said it was a huge strength in my life. And often it is; it allows me to power through to-do lists and meet deadlines. However, it has also held me back. I neglect to pause and allow space for contemplation, which has hindered my creativity at times. As I develop my self-awareness, I can recognize the nuances of this quality and how it might play out in my life.

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5. Recognize your impact on your surroundings

While self-awareness is a lot of looking inward, it also requires us to look outward too. If you’ve ever heard of the phrase “intent versus impact,” then you know that what we intend is not always how we impact other people. Being more self-aware means understanding how we affect the people and situations around us.

This external self-awareness is crucial for success in work and relationships. However, it’s not easy to tap into because we can’t always get direct feedback. We’ve got to sharpen our observational skills, look for patterns, and check in with the people around us to develop this self-awareness skill.

Self-awareness skill example: I always thought I was a good listener. I love asking questions, after all, and am genuinely curious about what people have to say. It wasn’t until my friend pointed out that I often interrupt people’s answers – either with another question or an anticipated guess – that I realized this truth. Now, I’m more aware of my impact and try to check in with my behaviors.

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6. Make decisions with intention and purpose

If you’ve ever sat down to create a pro/con list, then you know what it’s like to put a lot of thought into a decision. We’ve all made very intentional choices in our life. However, we’ve also made choices with minimal intention – millions of them, actually. We’re faced with so many choices in our daily lives that our brain has created biases and shortcuts to help us choose without much effort.

Becoming more self-aware will allow you to check in with both your individual choices and your decision-making patterns. Rather than be ruled by emotions or external factors, you can understand why you made a choice. You can also bring more purpose to your choices because you’ll better understand yourself.

Self-awareness skill example: My need to be the best at what I do often rules my choices. (Don’t worry, I’m working on it in therapy…) While sometimes beneficial, this default way of thinking has led me to do things that didn’t bring me joy. I sometimes got so caught up in “being the best,” I didn’t take the time to ask myself, Is this even what I want? Fortunately, I became more self-aware of my mindset, behaviors, and motivations. From there, I became more intentional about my decisions.

Want to read more self-awareness examples? Check out my post, 7 Examples of Self-Awareness in Everyday Life.

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How to Improve Your Self-awareness Skills

Don’t pressure yourself to develop these self-awareness skills all at once. Remember, becoming more self-aware is a never-ending process that requires frequent check-ins with yourself and others. Fortunately, all of these self-awareness skills build off each other. Improving one skill will automatically help you with another.

Also, keep in mind that everyone can benefit from developing these self-awareness skills. Whether you’re the CEO of a top-ranked company or a lost college student, you’re going to benefit from these skills. If you fall in any of the categories below, then this is relevant to you.

• Self-awareness skills for leaders
• Self-awareness skills for students
• Self-awareness skills for teachers
• Self-awareness skills for adults
• Self-awareness skills for kids

For more resources on how to improve your self-awareness skills, check out the resources below. 

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Conclusion: 6 Self-Awareness Skills You Need to Find Success in Life

1. Name what you’re doing at any given moment
2. Name how you’re feeling at any given moment.
3. Understand your emotional triggers
4. List your strengths and shortcomings in context
5. Recognize your impact on your surroundings
6. Make decisions with intention and purpose

If you’re looking for your more resources, read more on…

What self-awareness is and if you’re lacking it

• How Self-Aware Are You? Free Self-Awareness Test
• 6 Examples of Self-Awareness in Everyday Life
• Why Self-Awareness Is Important: Recognize What You Can Control

How to be vulnerable and embrace your inner truth

• How to Find Direction in Life If You’re Feeling Lost
• Why Feeling Awkward Might Be Your Superpower
• How to Be True to Yourself: The Hidden Truth We Need to Embrace

Questions to help you on your self-discovery journey

• 22 Questions for Self-Discovery
• 60 Hard Questions to Ask Yourself
• Asking the Right Questions to Help You Better Understand Yourself

The only advice column that gives you more questions than answers.

Hello Kara, 

• What brought you to this email?
  • My lack of self awareness 
• What questions do you struggle with the most?
  • This question is one of them. I’m lacking self awareness, which inhibits me from knowing what questions I struggle with the most. 
• If I was magic, what would you want from me?
  • Free me from from feeling trapped within myself. 
• What’s happening in your life now?
  • Too much it feels like. Mainly struggling with myself. I turned 31, which is a beautiful age to be at. I wish I could enjoy it more. I should be enjoying it more, but I’m harboring so much past pain, that this baggage is starting to be too heavy for me to carry. I’d rather just leave this baggage at the terminal and buy myself a new hand purse, where I can’t store useless crap in because it would be too hard to find my keys. 
• What questions can I personally give YOU to help you sort out some of your thoughts?
  • Why are you allowing yourself to drown in the fear of something, the fear of anything? 

I feel ashamed of myself. My behavior. For getting so upset over small things that I end up having a panic attack. Unfortunately, my boyfriend sees this, and tries to help me see it. It took a huge argument with my boyfriend for him to finally give me the “last straw” conversation. That he couldn’t live with me like this anymore, and that’s when the nerve in me snapped to lead to this conclusion. I try to control everything around me because I am scared of the future, and what the future might bring me. I would rather know than not know. Although there were times where I didn’t know something and it ended up fascinating me to learn something I had never known. Those are the times I am most thankful in life because I didn’t get in my own way. When I see that, I see my potential, only to digress to a person that I don’t want to be around, or be with, a person I want to shed. Me. 

After this email is written, I am taking the first step and diving into that free book you kindly put out there into the world for people like myself, to find purpose. Your honesty was refreshing to hear. I needed that. 

Thank you. 

Sincerely, 

Mindy C.

Hi Mindy,

Yesterday morning I woke up refreshed and excited. A morning person by nature, I relished the quiet hour before my first meeting to knock some things off my to-do list. The feeling of enthusiasm only increased after I crushed out a freelance writing piece that I was proud of. (Some might even say I entered flow state.)

And once I enter the flow state, Mindy, look out–the ideas just keep, well, flowing. I fired off some texts to people I wanted to connect with, filled my notebook with brainstorming ideas, and even took a thoughtful moment to celebrate what I had accomplished. It’s almost like I enter a state of euphoria as my brain keeps racing excitedly with possibility.

And then, six hours later, I found myself on the couch, filled with stress and curled in a blanket. Definitely not flowing.

Nothing major prompted the change. Instead, I imagine a series of little moments triggered the transformation. An interruption to my work, or an anxiety about never actually finishing all the things I brainstormed.

Even as I reflect now, I can’t quite pinpoint when I switched from fascination to frustration and eventually to exhaustion. But while I don’t have all the answers, my reflection gave me a powerful reminder. A brain filled with racing, excited, happy thoughts isn’t too far off from racing, anxious, and shameful thoughts. 

The distinction between openness and uncertainty is a very thin line, indeed.

In reading your letter, I imagine this might sound familiar. The delicate balance between, “The possibility of this excites me!” and “The uncertainty of this terrifies me!” How quickly we can shift from feely deeply appreciative of growth outside of our comfort zone, and panic that we won’t survive it.

I like to imagine it like jumping off a mountain on a hang glider. If you trust that you can fly, there’s nothing more exciting. If you doubt yourself, all you can picture is falling to your death. The trick is that most of us only see these two options – when in fact, the third option involves a reliable parachute to make sure we land safely on the ground.

You write that you see your potential, your growth, and the beauty of your life. In these words, you’re smiling up at that hang glider. You might even crack some jokes about it (because humor is a crucial tool, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). Life feels exciting and overflowing with possibilities. 

But then, all too quickly, you look at how far the ground is beneath you, and the panic sets in. 

This panic isn’t your fault. I could talk to you for hours about the science behind our brain wiring. We’re biased to focus on negativity, what we lack, and what we’re missing out on. Shame and fear motivate us more than any other emotions. We harbor a deep fear of uncertainty and an even deeper desire for control. You can dive into the research if you want to, but the second most important thing for you to understand is that you’re working against millions of years’ worth of evolutionary brain mumbo-jumbo. (And yes, the research will tell you “mumbo-jumbo” is the scientific term for it). 

The first most important thing for you to understand is that this isn’t your fault.

Nor is the pain you’re carrying around from your past. Your desire to, “Just leave this baggage at the terminal and buy myself a new hand purse, where I can’t store useless crap in it because it would be too hard to find my keys” made me laugh out loud.  

But it misses the mark on three key points, all of which I think you know, but I’m going to say them anyway.

One: It overstates your ability to simply “leave this baggage” behind. You have ownership over your life, but it’s not that easy. Pretending that it is only further amplifies your shame.

Two: It undermines your past as “useless crap.” Don’t get me wrong; it sounds like your past is filled with painful, unpleasant, I-hate-how-this-affected-my-life crap. But it’s not useless. Without that crap, you wouldn’t be here, writing witty emails in search of self-awareness. You can’t throw it away as much as you may wish you could.

Three: No matter how new or empty a hand purse or bag is, those keys will always be a bit elusive. If life didn’t make us search for them, then we wouldn’t get the opportunity to discover the inner worth that they unlock.

Okay, now that I’ve thrown your words out the terminal window, let’s talk about where to go from here.

You’re dealing with two major obstacles: discarding your past baggage and learning how to live in the present (while looking toward the future). If I’ve learned anything, it’s that these two challenges are not mutually exclusive. We cannot do one without the other. 

We can, however, go back and forth between the two in our growth.

My first advice is to empty the bag of the things you can get rid of—shame, to start. Whenever we feel like we should be a certain way, we add a layer of shame on top of the already heavy burdens we carry. There is no should. There is you, right now, doing your best. 

This includes letting go of what you think a 31-year-old’s life should look like. Sure, it is a beautiful age. So was 27. So will 61. That’s the thing about age – as much as it changes, it really doesn’t change much. I know people in their twenties who have direction in life and people in their fifties who are still searching.

Discarding shame isn’t easy. It takes courage, vulnerability, and patience with yourself. But the more you can cut out the second layer of weight, the more you’ll be able to lift the other stuff.

And by “other stuff,” I’m referring to that bag you want to leave behind at the terminal. So many of our beliefs are formed from a young age, often when we don’t realize it. Then, impactful moments and painful challenges color in our thoughts. In a beautiful way, they write our story and make us who we are.

You just need to learn how to reclaim the pen to write your story moving forward.

The future is scary, just like the past is painful. But when we spend too much time thinking about the two, we fail to work on ourselves in the only area we have control over: the present.

I don’t have that magical hand purse to give you, but you already know that. You’re further than most because you understand that self-awareness is the first step in finding who you want to be. You also know what it feels like to have that hang glider above your head, flying with excitement.

Emotions will try to get in your way. Shame will try to weigh you down. Fear will make you think you’re headed straight toward a deadly crash.

But as you begin to develop your self-awareness, you’ll learn how to navigate those obstacles. You will also start to see a crucial bag you didn’t mention in your note: a parachute backpack. As you learn to see and trust this bag, you can work on letting go of some control. Over time, this will ease the feeling of entrapment – not from yourself – but from your emotions.

You might even begin to enjoy flying.

Much love,

Kara

Questions for you:

• What is something you feel proud of?
• What areas of your life give you the most joy?
• If you look at your patterns of panic, what most often triggers them?
• When do you feel most vulnerable in your life?
• When have you felt the most growth because of feeling vulnerable?
• What things can you rely on about yourself?
• What strategies can you use to calm yourself down when feeling panicked?
• How can you incorporate more humor and laughter into your life?

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Reads for you:

• Why Self-Awareness is Important: Recognize What You Can Control
• Why Self-Awareness and Vulnerability are Necessary for a Meaningful Life
• Fear of Vulnerability and How to Fight It for a Meaningful Life
• 27 Inspiring Quotes on Vulnerability To Give You Courage
• How to Face Your Fears: 7 Steps to Overcome Fears

Are you experiencing a Vulnerability Hangover? 6 Steps to Deal with a Vulnerability Hangover

You finally mustered up the courage to take that emotional risk. Maybe you revealed something about yourself, or you asked for something that made you feel vulnerable. Whatever the case may be, the underlying conflict is the same: you showed your true self without knowing if it would be accepted.

And now, you feel a ball of anxiety, regret, and frustration about what you did. You wish you could go back in time and not do the thing that you’re worried about now.

This sensation is normal. In fact, there’s even a name for it. It’s called a vulnerability hangover.

Vulnerability hangovers feel unpleasant, and they can hit hard. Sometimes they happen immediately, and sometimes they’re delayed a few days. In either case, the exhilarating high you got from taking an emotional risk comes crashing down into a devastating low.

Don’t worry – you can get through it. In fact, you can come out better for it. Learn more about vulnerability and six steps you can take to overcome your vulnerability hangover. Keep faith – you can go from “coping with a vulnerability hangover” to conquering one.

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What is a vulnerability hangover?

Leading shame researcher Brené Brown coined the term “Vulnerability Hangover” in her videos and books on human connection. Wondering what shame has to do with vulnerability? Turns out, just about everything.

Being vulnerable means that we are willing to take emotional risks when we are uncertain of the outcome. It requires a great deal of courage to reveal our true selves, whether through our feelings, dreams, setbacks, or fears. When we do this, we’re taking the risk that we might be rejected.

This act of rejection triggers some of our most primal fears and shame cycles. After all, back in the prehistoric days, humans required social groups to survive. (A bit more life-and-death than our need to go to the bathroom together, amIright?) Because these needs were so deep-rooted, we still feel the effects in the modern-day.

In particular, we feel enormous shame if we feel like we don’t belong. This fear of shame causes many of us to draw back our vulnerability. It can be particularly powerful for social introverts.

But when we withdraw, we lose our chance at a meaningful life.

Vulnerability hangovers happen after we take an emotional risk

When we do summon the courage to be vulnerable, we open ourselves up to uncertainty. Will he text me back? Do they think less of me for saying that? Have I ruined everything? These questions run through our minds in the absence of a reaction. (And if you’re like me, they just keep running and running and running..honestly, you’d think they would get tired.)

Living with this uncertainty is when the vulnerability hangover unleashes. While waiting for the fallout of our emotional risk (or dealing with the actual result), we undergo a wave of emotional backlash.

The more significant the investment, the bigger the backlash.

Consider a cooking analogy. If you spend a few minutes popping something in the microwave, you’re probably not going to be super phased if it doesn’t turn out exactly as you wanted. But if you spend hours carefully crafting a meal, you’re going to be pretty upset if it doesn’t taste good.

The more vulnerable you are, the heavier the outcome will weigh on you.

Fortunately, there are steps to overcome your vulnerability hangover.

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6 Steps to Overcome Your Vulnerability Hangover

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1. Identify and name your emotions

It might seem odd, during an extremely emotional reaction, for you to want to focus on these negative emotions. However, it’s actually the most important step. In all of our miswired, biased glory, it can be pretty easy to get lost in our emotional reactions.

Think about a time when your emotions took over your behavior. Did you become paralyzed with anxiety? Maybe you switched into an over-productive, hyper-active mode to shelter yourself. Whatever the reaction, I’d guess that you weren’t consciously aware of all of your actions.

That’s why, during a vulnerability hangover, you must identify and name what you’re feeling. Rather than being lost in a tailspin, you can reclaim the driver’s seat. This won’t immediately end your vulnerability hangover, but it will help you see pathways out of it.

So next time you find yourself curled up with regret, pause. What are you feeling? Whether it’s fear or shame (or both), you can survive these feelings. You can also begin to control your behavior again once you name them.

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2. Talk it out with your confidants

Once you name your emotions, you can better express them with others. And I don’t just mean anyone – I mean going to your most trusted confidants. These are the people that you know have already accepted you.

While this is still an act of vulnerability, it shouldn’t feel like an emotional risk.

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… If we cultivate enough awareness about shame, to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.”

Talking to your confidants won’t alter the outcome of your emotional risk. It will, however, help you push through your vulnerability hangover and limit the shame you feel. Even talking about it with one other person can completely change your mood – so keep sharing with others to push away the bad feelings.

All a sudden, you’re not alone in your spiral of uncertainty. You have a partner or team to brave the vulnerability hangover with together.

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3. Remind yourself why you took the risk in the first place

The first time I published this blog on my social media, I threw my phone on the couch and refused to look at it for hours. I was reeling that I had just shared my dream in the world, open for judgment. Rather than deal with my emotions, I wanted to completely forget what I had just done.

When you’re in the middle of a vulnerability hangover, the last thing you want to do is think about it. We build mental walls longer than the Great Wall of China and taller than the Empire State Building. (Don’t say I don’t make geographical references in my blog posts…). This reaction is our fool-hearted attempt to rid ourselves of the emotional backlash.

Unfortunately, this strategy does nothing but prolong our anguish. To get over our vulnerability hangover, we need to think about our act of vulnerability. Instead of focusing on the uncertain outcome, we need to concentrate on why we did it in the first place.

When I was deep in my vulnerability hangover about my blog’s release, I had to remind myself why I was doing it. I wanted to be a writer, and a blog could help me achieve my goals. The ultimate dream made the discomfort worth it.

Remind yourself of the reason behind your initial action. Something made it worth it for you to take a risk. Even if the risk doesn’t pan out exactly as you hoped, the act of doing it is critical.

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4. Zoom out and reframe your perspective

Not only does a vulnerability hangover feel awful, but it also feels like it’ll never end. (Much like an actual hangover, if anyone has *ahem* ever had one of those). We get locked in our thoughts and can’t see a way out.

Realistically, you know that you’ll survive – whatever the circumstance might be. You’ll eventually have to go back to work, or face your friends, or see your crush again, much as you want to hide from these people forever. And yes, the next few interactions might still feel uncomfortable.

But you know what makes it less uncomfortable? Doing it.

I know it’s easy to say this and much harder to accomplish. This is why it’s so important for you to zoom out and reframe your view. Whatever vulnerability hangover you’re experiencing, remind yourself that it will end. Life will carry on, and you will have to go along with it.

If this sounds dramatic, that’s because it is. Being vulnerable stirs up all sorts of dramatic, seemingly-impossible emotions that you feel right now. But, if you can step back, you can take a broader perspective on your life and see that you will, in fact, make it out alive. Changing your self-talk can do wonders for your mood.

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5. Embrace that we grow from discomfort

Here’s the little known secret we all pretend not to know. We want to improve ourselves, but we want it to be easy. And the truth is, genuine growth doesn’t come from “easy.”

When I first started dating my now-fiancé, I hated feeling vulnerable. I’m talking, “If I hug him before he hugs me I might get rejected, so I’m not going to hug him” level of avoidance. Yes, I wanted to become a better partner and allow our relationship to grow. However, I wanted to just think my way through it without all the scary emotions.

I hate to break it to you, but we can’t merely think our way through growth. That’d be like trying to get from Station A to Station B without riding on the train. (Unless you’ve figured out how to teleport, in which case, you’ve ruined my metaphor).

We need to ride the train, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, to change our lives for the better. Part of this ride will involve vulnerability hangovers from time to time. That’s okay. Try to remind yourself that a vulnerability hangover means that you are opening yourself up for self-growth. Be compassionate with yourself and understand that you desire connection just like everyone else. In the end, you’ll come out better for it.

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6. Do something that restores your confidence

No matter how positive your self-talk and reframing is, sometimes a vulnerability hangover can be tough to kick. In these situations, it can be helpful to do something that restores your confidence.

Let’s say you finally proposed the idea you’ve been working on for months to your colleagues. Did they not accept it right away? Did they give you negative feedback? Now, you’re reeling with fear and uncertainty. And you’ve already done all the other steps – talked to a confidant, reminded yourself why it was worth it, embraced the self-growth – but you still feel emotionally distraught.

Sometimes the best way to get over a negative emotion is to introduce an entirely separate, positive one. Choose something that gives you a lot of meaning and joy. Maybe you go to a yoga class, or perhaps you tap into your strengths through work or volunteering. Tap into the feelings of confidence.

It’s crucial during a vulnerability hangover to remind yourself that you’ve got a lot of positives in your life, too; even if you don’t feel like it in the moment.

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7. Celebrate your courage and growth

Vulnerability hangovers don’t make us feel like we should celebrate; instead, they make us feel like we should put a brown paper bags over our head. But taking the time to celebrate ourselves – even privately – helps us focus on what’s important. It also helps us keep the faith in ourselves.

While you don’t need to throw yourself a party (although that would be fun, right?!), make sure you acknowledge the step you took. Consider writing in a journal, telling a friend, or merely telling yourself, “I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there.” Your body might be yelling, “Fear and shame!” but these celebratory statements can help shift your emotions in the right direction.

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Why is it so hard to be vulnerable?

If vulnerability is so essential for growth and connection, then why is it so hard to be vulnerable? Unfortunately, there are a lot of reasons.

First, our sense of shame is deeply wired in our biological makeup. While it manifests itself in different ways, the common thread is the same: we’re terrified of being rejected by others. Shame can be triggered by gendered expectations, previous experiences and traumas, and societal myths.

Additionally, we humans are wired to naturally compare ourselves to others. (Think of shame and social comparison as a fun one-two punch.) These comparisons inevitably open the door to shame and lack of self-worth.

Second, there are a lot of myths about vulnerability that make us think being vulnerable is bad. At the forefront is the myth that vulnerability is a weakness. (Heck, professional fields use the word “vulnerable” to imply that something is unstable!). Our culture tricked us into thinking that “going at it alone” represents courage.

The real courage is to open ourselves up when we don’t know the outcome.

Finally, it’s hard to be vulnerable when we’re not self-aware. I bet some of you are reading this thinking that this doesn’t apply to you, because you’re chock full of self-awareness. I hate to break it to you, but almost 90% of humans lack self-awareness. Don’t believe me? Take this free self-awareness test and check out 6 signs that you lack self-awareness.

Because it’s so hard to be vulnerable, the aftermath of these emotional risks can result in a powerful vulnerability hangover.

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Why is a vulnerability hangover worth it?

So why risk a vulnerability hangover? Your life is fine the way it is. Heck, you might even be pretty happy with how things are going. Why take the chance at feeling like you got slapped with a wet, emotional fish? (How’s that for a visual).

Bottom line: vulnerability is worth it. Not only is it worth it, but it’s necessary to live a meaningful and fulfilling life.

You can try to disagree if you want, but deep down, we all know it to be true. At our core, we need to feel a strong sense of belonging to be happy. We can only really experience true belonging if we are presenting our authentic selves.

One of my favorite Brené Brown vulnerability quotes is, “True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are.”

If you want to learn more about vulnerability and shame, I highly recommend any of Brené Brown’s books. I’ve read them all and they have completely changed my outlook on life. I can honestly say that the love and meaning I’ve found in my relationships and work are the result of reading her books.

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The Benefits of Being Vulnerable Are Worth It

Next time you shy away from being vulnerable, remind yourself the benefits of being vulnerable. You can find the people in life who fully accept you. As a result, your relationships will flourish.

Furthermore, you’ll actually be able to accept your own self-worth. While it might not feel like it in the middle of a vulnerability hangover, you’ll experience a boost of self-confidence in the long run.

The Importance of Self-Awareness in Being Vulnerable

If vulnerability is the key to unlocking a meaningful life, then self-awareness is the hand that slides the key into the lock. You need to be self-aware to experience the benefits of genuine vulnerability in your life.

Consider this. You feel some sort of way about a person, but you don’t know exactly what it is. Maybe the person gives you butterflies, or turns you on, or makes you rethink your own values. Either way, the emotions are strong. But what do you do about them?

It’s impossible for you to communicate your feelings if you don’t know what they are. furthermore, it’s hard for you to know what to do if you don’t know what you need as a person.

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Vulnerability is not a haphazard reveal of unsure, confusing emotions. (Although, let’s be honest, we’ve all done that as well). Instead, vulnerability is standing up and saying, This is who I am and what I want.

Just like surviving vulnerability hangovers is a journey, so is improving your self-awareness. Fortunately, there are ways you can be more self-aware in your everyday life. There are also tons of activities for self-awareness.

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Conclusion

If you’ve ever felt a wave of regret and anxiety after taking a risk, you’re probably experiencing a vulnerability hangover. Don’t worry, you’re not alone – nor is it an entirely bad thing. Still, it can feel pretty bad in the moment.

Fortunately, there are steps you can take to overcome your vulnerability hangover. They include:

1. Identify and name your emotions
2. Talk it out with your confidants
3. Remind yourself why you took the risk in the first place
4. Zoom out and reframe your view
5. Embrace that we grow from discomfort
6. Do something that restores your confidence
7. Celebrate yourself and your growth

Feeling a vulnerability hangover is not fun. However, it’s a necessary part of your self-growth journey on your way to creating a happy, meaningful life.

Have you ever felt a vulnerability hangover? Dare to be vulnerable now? Learn how you can be more self-aware or more vulnerable in your life.

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The only advice column that gives you more questions than answers.

Hi Kara

I recently started a journey to work on my shortcomings and aspects in my life that affect myself and others around me in a less than desirable way.

I began by writing down things about myself that I normally try to ignore or justify, that I know are affecting my life negatively.

For each aspect, I researched why I have those recurring feelings or ways of thinking (where it may stem from), how it affects me and others around me, in what forms it reveals itself in my life, and what I can do to change it or work on it. 

In my search, I realised that most of the things I don’t like about myself all have one thing in common (actually more than one, but this one stood out)…. Lack of self-awareness. It is so apparent and for so long I tried to make excuses for why I do the things I do, but I realised that my need to cover up these negative traits will only lead me deeper into a hole that revolves around me and what I feel. I was too scared to face my shortcomings, because what if I don’t like who I am? But that is exactly what I needed. For the first time I looked at myself from a different angle, and I want to change my way of thinking and I want to be able to call myself out on things (in a healthy way). I understand that this is only a small aspect of being self aware (at least I think so… I’ll see when I continue reading after I send this email). 

So, I came across your free Ebook and I’m busy reading through it.

Firstly, thank you so much for this gift. I am so excited to go through it and to be on a journey with myself. I am only 25 years old and I’ve only had snippets in my life that I can think of, where I really dug deep into life, myself and, as you call it, the human condition. I am so grateful for having discovered this book as a start to my journey. 

Anyways, what I wanted to ask you… You mentioned early in your book that you suggest an accountability buddy. If you have other people taking the course that need someone to hold them accountable, please will you hook us up. I don’t mind asking someone close to me, but I think I would benefit from talking to someone that is on the same journey now.

Thank you for taking the time to read my email and for your time writing the book. 

Love, all the way from -.

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

It sounds arrogant to compliment someone with, “You remind me of me.” At least, it does to me – because it implies that I’m also complimenting myself, and elevating myself in some way, and all the other acts that women are criticized about from a young age.

But screw it. Cindy, you remind me of me. And not for the obvious reasons (we’re both females in our twenties). Or the not-so-obvious reasons to others but hmm-that-seems-familiar reasons to me (I could be wrong, but the length and eloquence of your email make me think you enjoy writing, in some capacity).

Instead, for the important truths that your email reveals to me.

You asked for an accountability buddy, but I decided to give you a longer reply. I hope you don’t mind.

First, your email reveals to me a deeply introspective and growth-driven person. After all, you took the time to make a list of shortcomings, read my book, and send me an email. You’re seeking an accountability buddy because you know it’ll be a helpful resource on your journey. 

If I had to make a grossly oversimplification of self-improvement, I might divide it into three levels.

1. I notice an area in my life that could use growth.
2. I want to improve in this area.
3. I take the steps to do so.

I won’t get into the hundreds of reasons why people get stuck in levels #1-2 (although you already acknowledged the big one in your email: a lack of self-awareness). I will, however, celebrate you for making it to #3. I will also encourage you to applaud yourself, because too often we skip the “celebration” chapter on our journeys.

This leads me to my second observation. The courage you possess, which inspired you to send me this email and tackle this self-awareness journey, jumps out of your email. (Literally, imagine a little Gmail monkey swinging in my inbox, bounding out of the screen, and running around my room.)

You’re afraid to discover that you don’t like who you are. Herein lies the great paradox of self-awareness journeys. You are simultaneously the person you’ll always be, while also being a snapshot version in a never-ending evolution.

What do I mean by this?

You are Cindy. Up until the day you sent me this email, you have a story. You can’t go back and change that story, no matter how much you may want to. You can’t take back the faulty ways of thinking, the bad decisions, or the mistreatments of others. 

This feels terrifying. Some of us have some really ugly things stare back at us when we look in the Past Mirror. Heck, you started your journey by listing all your shortcomings. (And I would highly encourage you to make room for strengths and positives, too.)

This story can be daunting, Cindy, but it’s also what makes us worthy. Not for any one thing – but for the fact that we have a story at all. 

It sounds like you’re starting to look from the Past Mirror to a more encompassing Present Mirror. You write, “For the first time I looked at myself from a different angle, and I want to change my way of thinking and I want to be able to call myself out on things (in a healthy way).” 

This is the best goal you can have. It’s also a difficult one.

Recently, I watched a video by one of my favorite authors Adam Grant. He talks about the process of rethinking. When he gets to the part about rethinking our identities, he discusses why it’s so damn difficult. Not only must we change our thinking – but we also must be willing to shed the identities we held up until this post. 

To apply my metaphor, we must be able to shift from Past Mirror to Present Mirror – not knowing what it might be.

This brings me to the second element of the self-awareness paradox. You are ever-evolving. There isn’t a Future Mirror, but rather a series of empty windows that we can peer through as we imagine our future, our possible self, our desires. 

For many people, these Future Windows contain our fears, our worst-case scenarios, our anxieties – things that hold us back from change. For some, we don’t have the courage or self-confidence to imagine how vibrant these windows can be.

You say that looking at yourself from a different angle is a small aspect of self-awareness. I’d argue it’s the driver. Your curiosity to learn more about yourself is what will catapult you to terrifying and exciting new stops on your journey.

My last observation is that gratitude plays an important role in your life. You took the time to thank me, which is something that not everyone does. As you continue on with your self-work, don’t forget to feel gratitude for yourself, as well. For all the past mistakes and future mistakes that will create your beautifully flawed Past Mirror on your way to the vibrant possibilities in your Future Windows.

 I’ll send out a call for an accountability buddy. If I don’t hear back, I’ll serve as your accountability buddy, if you wish, in thank you for your email. Not only did it inspire me with our similarities, but it also served as an important reminder for one of the future goals that I would like to kickstart – a network of “accountability buddies” who want to share the self-awareness process.

Much love,

Kara

What is self-understanding and why is self-understanding important?

If you Googled anything along the lines of “What do you mean by self-understanding and self-concept?” you probably experienced what I did. A bunch of psychological babble and scientific explanations with enough “self” definitions to add up to a seeming self-frenzy. (Seriously, myself, yourself, and herself are all confused.)

But despite these brain puzzles, self-understanding is an important concept to grasp. That’s because understanding of self is the foundation for finding the life you want to live – and then creating it.

Developing your self-understanding will improve your life, guaranteed.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, here are some explanations about self-understanding, self-awareness, and self-concept in a way that might actually make sense.

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What is Self-Understanding?

Self-understanding is your ability to understand who you are and what led to who you are.

You understand your thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as the why behind them.

This recognition of your motivations helps you develop your sense of identity.

Essentially, it encompasses the answer to the question, “Who am I?” with the evidence to support it.

Think of it like tackling a complicated math problem. Some people don’t know how to solve it. Others can write down the correct answer, but they don’t really understand what steps went into solving it. Some individuals, however, can show all their work and understand the steps leading to the correct solution.

Having an understanding of self includes both aspects: an answer to yourself and knowing how it came about.

Think of self-understanding as the broadest and deepest layer of how you think about yourself. It’s like viewing yourself in your “Room of Life” from an outside, objective perspective.

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What is Self-Awareness?

Self-awareness and self-understanding are sometimes used interchangeably, and that’s not a bad thing. However, if you want to distinguish the two, you can think of self-awareness as the first step to understanding of self.

Self-awareness is being aware of yourself and your life. Before you can understand why you do something, you’ve got to recognize what you’re doing in the first place. This means identifying your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in the present moment.

Being self-aware also encompasses things like your values, aspirations, and patterns, among others.

Let’s go back to your Room of Life metaphor. If self-understanding is like looking in from an outside perspective, then self-awareness is like turning the lights on in the room. You’re aware of what’s happening.

You’re also aware of your self-concept.

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What is self-concept?

Ah, the last “self” in our self-trifecta. Self-concept is the label you give yourself when answering the question “Who am I?” It’s how you see yourself and, more importantly, the words you use when describing how you see yourself.

Our sense of identity is a complicated thing, but it begins with our self-concept.

It’s crucial to understand that self-concept is the end of the statement, “I am…” It is not the end of the statement “I feel…”  This distinction is because self-concept takes on a more permanent nature.

(Note: self-concept is not permanent, as you’ll read about later on, but our brains tend to think it is.)

If the Room of Life is your self-understanding, and the light is your self-awareness, then the nametag you put on is your self-concept. And it influences everything.

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Why are Self-Understanding and Self-Concept So Important?

Just as clearly defining all of the “self-understanding” distinctions can be confusing, so is the journey itself. We are all complicated beings with intricate personal stories, conflicting emotions, and influential evolutionary tendencies. Throw in some cultural expectations and individual personalities, and we’ve created some of the most complicated math problems out there.

Oh, and on top of it all, most people believe they’re more self-aware than they are. (Our brains literally trick us into thinking this.) It’s like that kid who thinks they’re good at math but they’re really not.

So why is it worth trying to solve?

The more complicated, the more meaningful.

How we view ourselves drastically impacts how we interact with the world around us. Remember our self-concept is how we answer the statement, “I am…” Our answers become ingrained into our thinking. When reinforced over time, we begin to shape our lives around these concepts.

The harm is that many of our self-concepts limit us more than they help.

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Limiting Beliefs and Self-Concept

In college, I began labeling myself as a “bad auditory learner.” I need to read something to understand it, I’d say to myself and others. And so, for years, I wrote off many opportunities to listen and learn something new. A couple of years ago, my research taught me that learning styles are much more malleable than we assume. Since then, I began to practice the skill rather than avoid it.

And you know what? I got better. I also didn’t miss out on opportunities I ended up really enjoying.

The label of “visual learner” is nothing out of the ordinary, nor life-changing. Yet think of all the things you say to yourself that might hold you back. Maybe you think you’re not good enough, not worthy, or too (insert negative adjective here). Every day our inner critics get the best of us.

When we give ourselves a label, we put ourselves into a box. Too often, these boxes tend to trap us rather than build us.

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Why Self-Understanding?

Self-understanding allows us to see what labels we give ourselves, where they come from, and how positive or negative they are to us. Then, once we understand everything, we can make the necessary adjustments.

Developing our self-awareness also gives us more evidence to work with. We don’t have to guess who we are; we can draw informed conclusions. This comes from check-in questions like:

• How does this make me feel?
• What do I want at this moment?
• What did I learn from this?

By developing your self-understanding, you can better align your life with your core values.

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How do you develop self-understanding? 6 Strategies to Improve Your Self-Understanding

1. Become more self-aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” I’ll add to it – you definitely can’t understand what you don’t know. Becoming more self-aware of your day-to-day experiences will help you insurmountably in the long run. Whether it’s naming your emotions, recognizing your thought patterns, or identifying your behaviors, you’ll gain valuable info when it comes to your understanding of self.

• Why Self-Awareness is Important: Recognizing What You Can Control

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2. Notice how you talk to yourself

With so many “self” things happening, it’s easy to overlook the driving force. Specifically, how you yourself talk to yourself. Self-concept encopasses how we label ourselves on the grand scale, but we’re talking to ourselves every minute of the day. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. If it helps, compare your inner dialogue with how you’d talk to a friend (or how they might talk to you). Are you treating yourself with respect? Are you optimistic or pessimistic? The more you can tune into your attitude, the more conscious you can be of your direction.

• How to Be Vulnerable in your Life

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3. Learn to silence your Inner Critic

I don’t care who you are or how you talk to yourself; we all have an Inner Critic that likes to bring us down. While all our Inner Critics take on a slightly different tone, they all follow the same theme. They hold you back from reaching your full potential. Part of self-understanding is embracing what you discover. A shame response is entirely natural when it comes to discovering who we want to be. That’s why being vulnerable is key in creating a self-concept you draw power from.

• How to Face Your fears: 7 Steps to Overcome Fears

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4. Ask yourself better questions

Ask anyone you know. Developing your understanding starts with asking questions. And when it comes to self-understanding, it’s got to start with the right questions. Too often, people shy away from hard questions because it makes them feel vulnerable. However, it’s precisely in asking these questions that we learn the most about ourselves. You also want to steer clear of questions that put you in a victimized or negative mindset. Whenever possible, ask “what” questions that focus on what you learned – not what you lost.

• Asking the Right Questions: How to Ask Questions the Right Way

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5. Seek feedback from others

If I haven’t said it enough already, I’ll say it one more time: it’s impossible to be self-aware. Too much of our biology is working against us. So, no matter how much self-work you do, you’ve got to seek feedback from outside sources. Try to gather perspective from friends and family who know you best. If you’re not comfortable asking someone, then learn how to tune into external situations and physical cues. Your self-understanding isn’t just how you see yourself, but also how the world sees you.

• 3 Reasons You Need External Self-Awareness

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6. Always stay open to rethinking your identity

The key to self-understanding is owning that you’ll always have more to learn. Who you are today will be different in a week, a year, a decade. We’re continuously evolving based on our life experiences. Therefore, the worst thing we can do is attach ourselves to a permanent identity. The more you can embrace a constant attitude of rethinking, the more self-aware you’ll be.

• How to Be True to Yourself: The Hidden Truth We Need to Embrace

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Our Behaviors Create Our Identity: How to Change Your Self-Concept

We wrongly believe that our thinking changes our identity, and then our changed behaviors follow. For example, I might be a super anxious person. I’ll think to myself, I’m going to be a calmer person, deciding on a new self-concept. Then, I assume that my “new” self-concept will help me do more yoga, meditate, and achieve this new persona.

Our brains don’t work that way. In fact, they work the reverse.

See, our brains like evidence to be persuaded of something. The more evidence, the stronger conclusions they can draw. Therefore, to get our brain to develop this new self-concept, we’ve got to start doing the things that prove the self-concept to be true.

For example, if I begin to do more yoga and meditation, my brain will begin to believe I’m a calmer person. Eventually, I will be able to define myself as such.

Dr. Ben Hardy calls this “building identity capital.” And it’s important to note when thinking about self-understanding.

As you work on the six tips above, keep focused on your behaviors as much as you can. Ultimately, action is what will help you develop your self-understanding and self-concept.

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Conclusion: Self-Understanding, Self-Awareness, and Self-Concept

The abundance of psychological literature on “self” can be overwhelming. Don’t get bogged down in the nitty-gritty distinctions and explanations. Instead, put your focus on the benefits of self-understanding and how to develop your own understanding of self.

You can start by following these six strategies:

1. Become more self-aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions
2. Notice how you talk to yourself
3. Learn to silence your Inner Critic
4. Ask yourself better questions
5. Seek feedback from others
6. Always stay open to rethinking your identity

Want to build your self-understanding even more? Receive a free PDF copy of my eBook, The Art of Being Self-Aware, below.